Sunday, March 31, 2013

Epic Easter Failures

Easter is OFFICIALLY my least favorite holiday. For multiple reasons. Oh, and sorry I've been a little M.I.A. for the past two days......... I stayed over at my neighbor's house.

Back to the topic of Easter...... There is a little story that goes with it, and I'm pretty sure it has something to do with my disordered eating. 
     It all started about two years ago. When I turned 14 (in November of 2010), my dad had begun to sink into the deep dark hole of depression. At first it just seemed like he was really tired, and I didn't realize it was so much more than that. We didn't see him for maybe a week at a time and then two or three. My parents were separated (they never actually married because they don't believe in marriage, but it was the same as a divorce), so my dad would come over to my mom's house where we lived to hang out with me and my siblings. By the time Christmas rolled around, we hadn't seen my dad for a while but he still came to celebrate with us. I can't remember exactly but I don't think we saw him after that until Easter. He had disappeared from our lives without a word and left us lost. I remember the feeling of never knowing when or if  I would see him again. 
     On Easter day, my mom told me my dad had called her crying that he wanted to apologize and come back into our lives. I was incredibly angry and hurt and refused to see him, so I spent the night with my neighbor. I hated how it felt like he could just waltz in and out of our lives and I couldn't forgive him for that horrible winter of waiting. That was when I needed control. I couldn't deal with it by hugging him and letting him make it up to me. So I started restricting and tried so hard not to eat the foods I loved. By June of 2011 I had lost a few pounds. That was the end of my eighth grade year and the dread of high-school set in. Having gone to the same small school with the same people and teachers since kindergarten, I could barely imagine life any other way. In June, I went from 117 to 110 pounds, gaining the attention of my mother. She didn't send me away or take me to a therapist, but she definitely noticed. I spent that summer eating barely half of what my friend ate and making up stories about how "I ate a ton before I came". 
     When school started, I gained the weight back bit by bit and began to use food as my comfort item. Last year I got horrible grades and was grounded for most of the second semester. I've been at the same weight for about a year now and have hated every minute of it. I think it's time I get out of this enormous rut and start living again. 

Hope that story was comprehensible....... my writing skills could use an improvement :P Feel free to ask questions or comment on anything :) The story could have been so much longer but it wasn't necessary.  Feels good to get that off my chest. <3

Thursday, March 28, 2013

Back On Track

As I look back, today has been a decent success :) My intake was good and I didn't have any candy or sugary things other than fruit. My dad made pizza for dinner so I kinda felt like I had to eat some, so as not to be insulting. It was really delicious and I ended up having two pieces but, well, it could have been worse. Two hours of ballet, stretching and 120 crunches was my exercise. I'm a little nervous about tomorrow because there is not class to structure my day around. I might go for a walk up the hill near my house......... Yeah, I really need to get more cardio in my daily routine. 

So, lets talk intake. Breakfast was a cup of orange juice, yum! For lunch I had half an apple and a kiwi for a fruit salad as well as another cup of orange juice. Then I ate the other half of the apple for a snack before ballet. Dinner was two pieces of pizza followed by 48 ounces of water. Wow, I didn't realize how much I drank until just now :) I think I'll weigh myself tomorrow morning and hope fully I'll be at least at 119 pounds. Here's hoping!

Wednesday, March 27, 2013


These days I find myself thinking of all the things I need to get done and then realizing how many there are. Stress is starting to creep upon me and that's the last thing I need. When I get overwhelmed with school or deadlines I tend to start procrastinating hardcore. Maybe before my spring vacation is over I'll get some of the stuff done that has been piling up. It's not a good feeling when you know you should get something done now or you'll regret it later, and yet you still don't do it. 

Anywho..... Today has been better than yesterday, but still not perfect. I ate only fruit and veggies for the most part, except for a bagel and a few chips. Tomorrow I'll shoot for less starchy food and try to ween myself off of it in the next few days. At this point I need to keep binges to a minimum and try to be a little bit better everyday :) As well as sticking more to my word when I say I will do something diet-wise. Blogging has brought to my attention that I am a bit flaky when it comes to following a routine and practicing self-control/willpower.

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Detox Diet

Today could definitely have gone a million times better, but it didn't. At this point I don't really have time to give up, so everyday is a new struggle. First thing this morning I binged which is a horrible way to start the day. It made me feel really sick for a while afterwards. I had a two hour ballet class in the afternoon so I got some exercise in :) Then, in an attempt to save the day I ate only a few bites of dinner and gave the rest to my little sister. Buuut then I had a bagel a bunch of tortilla chips after everyone went to bed. MY WEAKNESS.

I'm thinking tomorrow's food will only consist of fruits and veggies because all these starches and binge foods are really beginning to feel disgusting as they sit in my stomach and make me fat. I just want to be rid of them and I think I am actually quite a bit addicted to sugar, salt and starches. 

Today was the last day of SGD and I really don't think I tried as hard as I could have. Maybe if I actually stuck to it everyday I would have lost weight. I think sometimes I would lie to myself about the calories and really that doesn't make it better because that way I wont lose weight. I am so frustrating to myself at times. I feel like every time I post on here it is so describe another day of failure. That really needs to stop. Yeah. I need to step up my game because if I don't, nothing is going to change and that is what I'm afraid of.

Stay with me people. I'll struggle harder for you tomorrow <3

Monday, March 25, 2013

Day By Day

I've missed blogging so much!!! This weekend was crazy and filled with food. Hung out with my friend the whole time and she always likes to eat a lot of unhealthy things. It's kind of unfair because she has a super fast metabolism so she is still skinnier than me :( On Saturday I actually got stoned for the first time and it really does give one the munchies so we ate a bunch of chips and ice cream while watching a movie. I got really freaked out that my mom would smell it and ended up taking a shower and changing my clothes on top of spraying tons of perfume every where.

Today has been okay I guess...... I didn't eat anything until dinner and then it was a small portion. Afterwards I started craving junk as usual and caved and ate a banana, two small bagels and some lemon frosting. Hoping tomorrow will be better. Maybe instead of eat junk at night I could try and have some fruit as a replacement and then slowly stop eating after dinner at all. 

I'll keep trying no matter how many times I fall <3

Friday, March 22, 2013

I'll Be Stronger

I am so ashamed right now. I let you down and I let myself down. I am tired of feeling this way and I want tomorrow to be better. The next time I want to eat I will try to remember how it feels to be stuffed and disgusted. Food can't make me feel better. It only makes it worse and I need to keep that in mind.

I am going to try not to let this drag me down, and tomorrow morning I'll get up without food and go to bed without food. I don't care if it's painful, or even if I have to leave my house to avoid dinner. I don't care. I am going to prove to myself that it is possible to have control.

Not sure what my intake was today because I stopped counting when it got bad :/ I did manage to exercise but then I made cookies and it went downhill fast from there. I hope everyone is doing well. Reading your blogs has become like a nightly ritual for me :) Stay Strong <3

Thursday, March 21, 2013

Guess What?

I GOT A SCALE!! Oh my gosh it's like a dream come true! I didn't think I could actually pull this off but I did and the scale is actually really nice looking :) It's glass, and the only thing that annoys me is that I have to take it into the bathroom with me to weigh myself because my room is fully carpeted. But then again it is WAY better than walking all the way to my neighbors house and awkwardly trying to find an excuse to use their bathroom :P

 Last night after I posted my mother told me she has a meeting a little after I get out of school. So I ended up waiting for her at the bakery/coffee shop place that is next to the drug store :) When she left I went over there and walked around the entire store AT LEAST 5 times before I asked an employee where to find bathroom scales. I was so close to freaking out and running out of there but I knew I probably would never get the chance to buy one again. I also bought a birthday card in case anyone asked why I was buying a scale I would tell them it was for my mother's birthday. Now I have a lame card in my backpack that I will never use. Meh.

I do believe I have done exceptionally well today given my past record of indulgence and lack of will power. I did have to eat dinner again because my dad was here. I'll try and get out of it tomorrow so I can have a 72 hour fast (we can do it Katy!!!!). I am very nervous. I really want to be near 110 lbs by April when I go back to school. 

  • Pasta (130)
  • Shrimp (71)
  • Salad (11)
  • Chocolate Soy Milk (181)
Total = 393 (OH YEAH BABY)                                                      Limit = 500 
Exercise = -33
Net = 360

'Night all you lovelies out there :) Thanks for reading!! <3

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Rain Makes Me Lazy

Hmmm......not having ballet this week is making it hard to get exercise. I am actually a pretty lazy person, but having a class and a teacher kind of obligates me to go and try my hardest. I work best for other people. 

So far today I have not exercised at all.......I think I will after I finish my homework. My plan tomorrow is to only consume water, unsweetened tea and gum. It is my last day of school before 11 days of spring vacation over which I intend to lose the better half of ten pounds. I'm thinking on Friday I'll ask my grandma to take me to the movies because she likes hanging out with me and is usually free. Then I'll tell her she can do some of her errands since we are in town and I can wait at the bakery/coffee shop. There is a drug store next door to it that sells scales and I'm thinking I'll buy one while I'm waiting and then put it in my backpack so she wont see it ;) Hopefully I wont chicken out....... 

Today has gone okay but I am going to do loads better tomorrow. I promise!!

  • Chicken Breast Skinless (213)
  • Tortilla Chips (130)
  • Chocolate Soy Milk (75) Holy crap I think I'm in love with it!!! XD
  • String Cheese (80)
Total = 498                                                       Limit = 400
I still have yet to do exercise........ I WILL DO IT THOUGH!!

Thinspothinspothinspo <3

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Just A Little Bit Better

I have made some progress in the last 24 hours. I was originally going to fast but when my mom made dinner for me and insisted I eat with her I really couldn't say no. I have to be careful around her because when I first started restricting I made an ana/thinspiration journal. One morning, when she thought I had left the house, my mother went into my room and was looking through my stuff. She found what looked like a diary and opened it to find thinspo pictures and two pages of tips and tricks. The whole time I had been in my closet, and it was all I could do to stop myself from telling her she had just invaded my privacy and I knew it. She never mentioned it so neither did I, but I doubt she has forgotten. that's my little story. At the time it really pissed me off that she would read what she thought to be my journal. Who knows what else she has done. It's actually getting close to what I think is the anniversary of my struggle with food. I can't believe it has been two years of this. On the day of I'll tell you what was probably the event that started it. I was only really thin for about two months of that :( I will get there again!

  • Cereal Bar (120)
  • String Cheese (80)
  • 2 Slices of Ham (34)
  • 1/2 Cup Pasta (130)
  • Pork (42)
  • Broccoli (15)
  • 20 Jelly Beans (82)
Total = 503 calories                                             Limit = 300
Exercise = -259
Net Calories = 245

Not so bad I guess. Today could have been better but I managed not to binge so I'm definitely pleased with that :) I'll try to fast tomorrow but I can't predict if dinner will be optional or not...... My mom wont be home on Thursday or Friday so maybe I can beat my record fasting time of 43 hours? I really want to achieve a 72 hour fast!  <3

Monday, March 18, 2013

Everyday Is The Same.

Why don't I have stronger will power? When I don't eat, I want food SO bad and then once I eat I regret it!! It's a vicious cycle and it hasn't gotten me anywhere near skinny. I remember when I was at my lowest weigh two years ago and I never really binged. Since then I have spiraled out of control and I need to get back there. I'm switching school for next year and I want to start over thin and confidant. I don't know whether to use negative or positive motivation.........I just need to be thin. Everything these days reminds me how I am failing at achieving this one. Simple. Goal. Lately my mom has even gotten thinner than me and it freaks me out how out of control this all is.

I think I'll leave it at that and hopefully I'll have something better to post tomorrow. After school is always my weakest point in the day and today it pretty much ruined me :( Good night <3 Thanks for all of your support!!

Sunday, March 17, 2013

Sunday Night Madness

Hey everyone! This is going to a short post because it's Sunday and that involves getting prepared for the week :) My to-do list is pretty long at the moment, but because I couldn't post yesterday I wanted to make sure to update you all on what I've been up to.

Yesterday was my little sister's birthday party and she had two of her friends come over for a treasure hunt and pinata. They stayed the night at my house and I was over at my neighbors for the night and this morning. Food-wise, yesterday was awesome until cupcakes, and then it went downhill fast with pizza and other carb snacks. This morning I weighed in at a horrific 21.4 lbs and I'm hoping it was just from the night before. Didn't restrict AT ALL today and I still have to do my exercises (by the way I did do them yesterday). I'm thinking of fasting tomorrow and then eating only apples on Tuesday and then fasting again on Wednesday. No ballet this week so I don't really need to keep up my strength for anything :) However, I'll have to make sure to exercise everyday. At school my dance class can no longer use the building we used to dance in, so I'm not sure were class will be held this week. I guess we shall see.....

Well, this post hasn't been all that short but I really do have to get things done so good bye for now! <3

Friday, March 15, 2013

A Clean Slate

Sometimes, when I go to bed at night, I promise myself that tomorrow I will do better. I will exercise and eat less. Sometimes I follow through, other times I don't. However, I always find it easier to start something new with a clean slate and a brand new sunrise :) For me, it is difficult to stop eating midday and starve because I have already started and it feels impossible to stop. 

Tonight I have told myself that in the morning I shall exercise and eat very little, if at all. I am going to start doing a workout in phases. Each week is a new phase and there are four weeks which get progressively harder and harder. Here is phase 1/4:

 Day 1 - 333 jumping jacks, 60 crunches, 60 squats, 6 push ups
 Day 2 - 300 jumping jacks, 50 crunches, 50 squats, 5 push ups
 Day 3 - 250 jumping jacks, 40 crunches, 40 squats, 4 push ups
 Day 4 - 233 jumping jacks, 30 crunches, 30 squats, 3 push ups
 Day 5 - 200 jumping jacks, 20 crunches, 20 squats, 2 push ups
 Day 6 - 100 jumping jacks, 10 crunches, 10 squats, 2 push ups
 Day 7 - Rest day. Take advantage of this day. Each faze gets harder. 6 push ups
I'm going to try this. Anyone who wants to join me is very welcome to do so :) Now, to get some sleep for tomorrow.

Thursday, March 14, 2013

Dancing the Day Away

All I can say is: MY LEGS ARE SO SORE. But I love it XD I'm really not kidding, being this sore is part of the joy of exercise. Is that demented? Well, maybe :)

I ate half a bagel for breakfast (100), TWO freaking poptarts for lunch (400! Ack!!), and then a granola bar as a snack (90). I am currently eating a salad thing with tofu and lots of veggies......dunno how many calories it is, but it's super healthy :) Exercise wise I did modern dance for about an hour and then ballet for two hours and then went back to school and performed a dance with the rest of my modern dance class. It's been a pretty eventful day and I think I am just going to relax and watch the show Bunheads which is about ballet and dance and is overall a hilariously amazing television show.

Good night, and have a delicious evening everyone!! <3

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

The Power of a Scale

Bleh. I feel kinda sick today but I think it's just that cold going away. I didn't eat until I got home but then I didn't really restrict all that much. Still, I don't think I ate all that much and I did a ton of jumping jacks and crunches :) My legs are SO sore today from ballet! I enjoy the soreness, though, because it means I burned calories. So, when the calories burned from exercise are subtracted from the calories from food I'm pretty positive that I have stayed under 400.

Tomorrow evening I am performing in my school talent show. My whole dance class is doing a modern piece together and I'm super stoked :P We'll be wearing all black with some abstract black face paint too. 
Speaking of school, I finished my High School Exit Exam today and I think I did well because it was surprisingly easy.

This weekend my little sister is having her friends over to celebrate her birthday and me and the friend I mentioned in an earlier post will probably end up helping with it. I cannot even express how much I want and need a SCALE!! I'm one of those people who will weigh myself and freak out and exercise if I have gained even 0.2 pounds. For me that's helpful because it makes me realize the impact of food and keeps me on track. Wantwantwant a scale.