What to Say......

Hello everyone! I really don't know what to say after such a long absence. I'm sorry I stopped posting so suddenly :( I know exactly how it feels to wonder what happened to a blogger. Are they happy? Sad? Dying? .....Dead? I used to follow a girl who blogged every month or so. At first I wasn't too worried when she didn't post for a while, but as more and more months went by I began to wonder if she was okay. Her last post hadn't been all that cheerful either. All I could do was hope she was living her life maybe someday she would let us know how she was. 

I really didn't intend to leave for so long. I could see myself posting every few days for a long, long time. So when I say this was unexpected, I really mean it. I guess you could say I've changed, but I am always changing. I'm trying not to think too much about calories and fat percentages. For a while I just ate whatever and didn't even try to restrict. Dieting doesn't work for me, that much I know. I get way too obsessed with food when I diet and that just ends up causing me to eat more.

I believe I am currently still at 123 pounds. I am trying not to eat so much junk food and sugar. I exercise most days (sometimes it's just cleaning the house for my mom XD). I'm letting my schedule be more fluid, while at the same time making sure I fit in the necessary things. It seems to be working so far :P I love summer.

Just know, if I don't post, I am okay. I do want to continue this blog because there are so many supportive people here and sometimes I need to say things I can't say to anyone else. Hopefully I'll post tomorrow. I want to :) 

~Cali

Three Weeks and I'm Free!

Only three weeks left. Just. Three. Weeks. Then, no more school. For two months I don't have to sit in a classroom all day :) That makes me happy. Summer is my favorite time of the year because life feels happier, lighter, free-er, better. That's how it should be. But then again maybe it wouldn't be so amazing if I didn't spend the rest of the year wishing for it. It's like candy. If you eat it all the time it's no longer a treat. I'll just have to enjoy it while it lasts :)

I don't know what I weigh right now. Nor do I want to know. It's probably bad. When I see the number I might swear to never eat again. two hours later I'll break my promise. That's how it goes most of the time. Sometimes I am strong. I don't eat, and nothing can break me....................until something does. Then I let myself down. 

Got my period yesterday. Fuck that. I'm so frickin bloated and gross today. As usual I got a fat pimple in the middle of my face. Yay for hormones. I haven't restricted since Thursday. I have three hours of ballet rehearsal tomorrow. I think I need to go to bed early tonight.

Just so you all know, I have no intention to stop blogging. I realize my posts are less frequent these days, but I'm not going to dwindle out on you guys :) This blog is just getting started, and the people who are currently following me are amazing. Thanks Loves!!

~Cali

Tomorrow's Another Opportunity

This weekend has not been any better than the last..........well, maybe a little. I exercised more, but food-wise I ate whatever. I'll have to try harder next time, make some sort of plan I guess, learn from my mistakes. Tomorrow I'll only have tea and water if I can get away with it. I'll eat dinner ONLY if I am being urged to (my mom get suspicious easily and is always telling me I eat like crap :/ ) If it doesn't make me too weak, I'll do this for the next three days, throwing in a fruit smoothie if I need a boost. I really want to be toned for summer, and I know it's possible :) Crunches here I come!!

Hope everyone is doing well! These last few weeks of school are so torturous with summer vacation just around the corner. I want to get through them as quickly as possible, only two more years to go after this!!

Thanks for reading, and sorry for such a short and uneventful post. Nothing all that exciting is happening these days :P 

xoxo <3

Three Days, Three Pounds

I'm sure you can see from the title that I have lost three pounds as of today. That puts me back at 120 lbs, and I intend to lose more over the next few weeks. The weekends are the struggle. Recently, I have been losing weight during the week (Tue-Thur for me) and then putting it back on over the weekend due to sugary and unhealthy binge-foods. If I can get through these next four days doing just as good as the days I go to school and have ballet, then I'm sure I can be a lot lower by next week :)

Today I actually ate a little more than usual in an attempt at a scheduled binge. My aim was to speed up my metabolism and get it out of restriction mode, as well as to curb some cravings so they don't pop up over the weekend. I have a Pilates class first thing tomorrow morning and then I'll play some Just Dance :) I need to really distract myself because I'll be home all day and food will be so tempting. Wish me luck for the weekend :P

Not Much to Report

Hello! Nothing major or drastic has happened in the last few days so I don't really have much to say. I haven't eaten much today. No breakfast or lunch, and half of a large sandwich for dinner. I'm actually eating jellybeans at the moment........not the best idea, but it's quite difficult to resist sugar :/ Judging by my weight this morning I have lost about a pound since yesterday. Hopefully there will be a better number tomorrow. I played some Just Dance with my little brother and sister for about a half hour. Damn! I get so sweaty from that game :) I had two hours of ballet before that so I've probably burnt off most of my calories.

By the way if you read this feel free to drop me a comment! I love to hear from you guys. Makes it feel like I'm not just talking to an empty room.............unless it really is an empty room XD

~Anywho...... <3

Vintage Thinspiration

I have been pigging out HARDCORE today. It is Sunday (my treat day), but I think maybe I took it too far.......

On the bright-side, we got the Wii game Just Dance and it's actually a really fun way to exercise :) My plan for tomorrow looks like a water and fruit. I really need a day of simple, non-processed food. The wedding trip was a lot of unhealthy foods and sugar. I never really binged or overate, but everything was pretty fattening, and frankly it made me a little sick. My body just feels better when I eat healthy..........more pure.

Only five more weeks of school left!! I wish I could just fast forward and get this all over with. High-school really is a drag when you're tired of dealing with the people there. It feels like I'm just wasting my time. I wanna be in college already!!

The actual wedding was nice. I got to meet a lot of relatives for the first time and my grandma (she took us) practically word-barfed nonstop the entire day. By "word-barf" I mean she told me a ton of stuff about her past and all the houses she lived in. I think it was mostly for herself but she directed it all at me because I happened to be in the passenger seat. So much freaking word-barf. It was mostly irrelevant :P 

<3

Ramblings

Hellooo there! I haven't slipped up at all since my last post :) I'm not depriving myself too much, because that just results in binges. I had a banana for breakfast and then, when I got home at around 6:45 pm, I had an apple. My mom made dinner, which consisted of a thin piece of pork, broccoli and a little less than a cup of brown rice. I had a few pretzels afterwards, but not enough to make that big of a difference. Also, I danced in my new shoes (pre-pointe) in ballet yesterday and today. They are giving me a blister so I really need some toe-tape!! Sadly my local dance supply store NEVER has any............I'll probably just get it online. Bleh.

I weighed 121.4 lbs this morning and then 120.6 when I got home :) Maybe tomorrow I'll see the 119's? My last day of testing is tomorrow which is a relief. I can sleep in a little too, because I don't have to be there until 10 am. Yay! Hope everyone is enjoying the spring weather!! Hopefully I'll be 110 lbs in the near future so I can post some pics :)

~Lurv Ya <3

I See Progress!!

I just spent most of my afternoon sewing ribbons and elastic onto my pre-pointe shoes. I didn't realize how long it took...........or maybe it's just me being a noob :P Either way it's pretty late right now so I gotta keep this post on the shorter side.

I weighed 122.4 lbs this morning and then 121.4 when I got home :) I see progress. Hopefully I'll get even more of a loss tomorrow. Squeee!! I'm so excited to were my pretty shoes!! Heheh, I probably sound so weird right now, but it's EXCITING.

Oh, also I'm going to a wedding this weekend. It's a few hours away from where I live so I'll probably be leaving Friday and getting back Sunday. Now that I think about it that will help me avoid weekend-binging :)

Life is good right now. Except school. That still sucks. But whatever.

I'm in such an odd mood right now XD Hope you guys are being awesome!! Luv ya <3

Can you tell I love Lana? heehee..... :)

By the way, this video does not belong to me.

Pre-Pointe Shoes

Hey people! Lately I have been working my ass off with ballet and school. The picture above is my pair of pre-pointe shoes that I got just a few hours ago :) I still have yet to sew on the elastic and ribbons but I thought I'd post a picture for you guys.....in case you're interested :P I can't go all the way up into full pointe (on my toes) in these shoes because they do not have all the support of an actual pointe shoe. Regardless, they're still freaking awesome and I am incredibly stoked to have gotten to this level :) Hopefully by September (2013) I'll be getting my first pair of ACTUAL pointe shoes!!

Okay, 'nuf said about that. Let's talk about weight. This morning I weighed myself and was 121.8 lbs. Directly after school and ballet I weighed myself again and was 121 exactly :) Now, this may seem to be a gain because I haven't posted in FOREVER, but actually it is a drop of two pounds since Sunday. When I last posted I was around 125 lbs because I had not weighed myself in a few days. The day after I posted I realized I was, in fact 125 and not 120 lbs (like I said on my blog). I'm actually pretty happy with the way things are going at the moment. I seem to have broken my incessant craving to eat and it's making it oh-so much easier.

To ease myself back into blogging I'll start by posting every other day. For now. I think, because I did not lose any weight for the entirety of the time I was blogging, I subconsciously thought there was some sort of a connection between weight-loss and blogging everyday. I really didn't want to go back to that so I cringed away form posting here. Just a hypothesis :P

10 Pictures

Russian Gymnast Diet

I am starting this diet tomorrow morning and my last day will be Monday, April 8th. For the next week I am going to focus on sticking to the diet and only making changes to it that are completely necessary and will help me stay on track. On my last diet, I don't think I took it seriously enough and as a result, did not lose any weight from it. I'm not sure if I will lose fifteen pounds (although that would put me at my ideal weight).......Hopefully I do lose a nice chunk of weight to get me started. Of course, anyone is welcome to join me and I think it would make it a little easier knowing someone else is going through the same thing :)

I am weighing myself in the morning for a solid start weight. REALLY hoping I am not above 121 lbs. This is going to be a fat burning seven days :)

Epic Easter Failures

Easter is OFFICIALLY my least favorite holiday. For multiple reasons. Oh, and sorry I've been a little M.I.A. for the past two days......... I stayed over at my neighbor's house.

Back to the topic of Easter...... There is a little story that goes with it, and I'm pretty sure it has something to do with my disordered eating. 

     It all started about two years ago. When I turned 14 (in November of 2010), my dad had begun to sink into the deep dark hole of depression. At first it just seemed like he was really tired, and I didn't realize it was so much more than that. We didn't see him for maybe a week at a time and then two or three. My parents were separated (they never actually married because they don't believe in marriage, but it was the same as a divorce), so my dad would come over to my mom's house where we lived to hang out with me and my siblings. By the time Christmas rolled around, we hadn't seen my dad for a while but he still came to celebrate with us. I can't remember exactly but I don't think we saw him after that until Easter. He had disappeared from our lives without a word and left us lost. I remember the feeling of never knowing when or if  I would see him again. 

     On Easter day, my mom told me my dad had called her crying that he wanted to apologize and come back into our lives. I was incredibly angry and hurt and refused to see him, so I spent the night with my neighbor. I hated how it felt like he could just waltz in and out of our lives and I couldn't forgive him for that horrible winter of waiting. That was when I needed control. I couldn't deal with it by hugging him and letting him make it up to me. So I started restricting and tried so hard not to eat the foods I loved. By June of 2011 I had lost a few pounds. That was the end of my eighth grade year and the dread of high-school set in. Having gone to the same small school with the same people and teachers since kindergarten, I could barely imagine life any other way. In June, I went from 117 to 110 pounds, gaining the attention of my mother. She didn't send me away or take me to a therapist, but she definitely noticed. I spent that summer eating barely half of what my friend ate and making up stories about how "I ate a ton before I came". 

     When school started, I gained the weight back bit by bit and began to use food as my comfort item. Last year I got horrible grades and was grounded for most of the second semester. I've been at the same weight for about a year now and have hated every minute of it. I think it's time I get out of this enormous rut and start living again. 

Hope that story was comprehensible....... my writing skills could use an improvement :P Feel free to ask questions or comment on anything :) The story could have been so much longer but it wasn't necessary.  Feels good to get that off my chest. <3

Back On Track

As I look back, today has been a decent success :) My intake was good and I didn't have any candy or sugary things other than fruit. My dad made pizza for dinner so I kinda felt like I had to eat some, so as not to be insulting. It was really delicious and I ended up having two pieces but, well, it could have been worse. Two hours of ballet, stretching and 120 crunches was my exercise. I'm a little nervous about tomorrow because there is not class to structure my day around. I might go for a walk up the hill near my house......... Yeah, I really need to get more cardio in my daily routine. 

So, lets talk intake. Breakfast was a cup of orange juice, yum! For lunch I had half an apple and a kiwi for a fruit salad as well as another cup of orange juice. Then I ate the other half of the apple for a snack before ballet. Dinner was two pieces of pizza followed by 48 ounces of water. Wow, I didn't realize how much I drank until just now :) I think I'll weigh myself tomorrow morning and hope fully I'll be at least at 119 pounds. Here's hoping!

Self-Control

These days I find myself thinking of all the things I need to get done and then realizing how many there are. Stress is starting to creep upon me and that's the last thing I need. When I get overwhelmed with school or deadlines I tend to start procrastinating hardcore. Maybe before my spring vacation is over I'll get some of the stuff done that has been piling up. It's not a good feeling when you know you should get something done now or you'll regret it later, and yet you still don't do it. 

Anywho..... Today has been better than yesterday, but still not perfect. I ate only fruit and veggies for the most part, except for a bagel and a few chips. Tomorrow I'll shoot for less starchy food and try to ween myself off of it in the next few days. At this point I need to keep binges to a minimum and try to be a little bit better everyday :) As well as sticking more to my word when I say I will do something diet-wise. Blogging has brought to my attention that I am a bit flaky when it comes to following a routine and practicing self-control/willpower.

Guess What?

   

I GOT A SCALE!! Oh my gosh it's like a dream come true! I didn't think I could actually pull this off but I did and the scale is actually really nice looking :) It's glass, and the only thing that annoys me is that I have to take it into the bathroom with me to weigh myself because my room is fully carpeted. But then again it is WAY better than walking all the way to my neighbors house and awkwardly trying to find an excuse to use their bathroom :P

 Last night after I posted my mother told me she has a meeting a little after I get out of school. So I ended up waiting for her at the bakery/coffee shop place that is next to the drug store :) When she left I went over there and walked around the entire store AT LEAST 5 times before I asked an employee where to find bathroom scales. I was so close to freaking out and running out of there but I knew I probably would never get the chance to buy one again. I also bought a birthday card in case anyone asked why I was buying a scale I would tell them it was for my mother's birthday. Now I have a lame card in my backpack that I will never use. Meh.

I do believe I have done exceptionally well today given my past record of indulgence and lack of will power. I did have to eat dinner again because my dad was here. I'll try and get out of it tomorrow so I can have a 72 hour fast (we can do it Katy!!!!). I am very nervous. I really want to be near 110 lbs by April when I go back to school. 

Food:

• Pasta (130)
• Shrimp (71)
• Salad (11)
• Chocolate Soy Milk (181)

Total = 393 (OH YEAH BABY)                                                      Limit = 500 

Exercise = -33

Net = 360

'Night all you lovelies out there :) Thanks for reading!! <3

Rain Makes Me Lazy

Hmmm......not having ballet this week is making it hard to get exercise. I am actually a pretty lazy person, but having a class and a teacher kind of obligates me to go and try my hardest. I work best for other people. 

So far today I have not exercised at all.......I think I will after I finish my homework. My plan tomorrow is to only consume water, unsweetened tea and gum. It is my last day of school before 11 days of spring vacation over which I intend to lose the better half of ten pounds. I'm thinking on Friday I'll ask my grandma to take me to the movies because she likes hanging out with me and is usually free. Then I'll tell her she can do some of her errands since we are in town and I can wait at the bakery/coffee shop. There is a drug store next door to it that sells scales and I'm thinking I'll buy one while I'm waiting and then put it in my backpack so she wont see it ;) Hopefully I wont chicken out....... 

Today has gone okay but I am going to do loads better tomorrow. I promise!!

Food:

• Chicken Breast Skinless (213)
• Tortilla Chips (130)
• Chocolate Soy Milk (75) Holy crap I think I'm in love with it!!! XD
• String Cheese (80)

Total = 498                                                       Limit = 400

I still have yet to do exercise........ I WILL DO IT THOUGH!!

Thinspothinspothinspo <3