Midnight Report

Long time no blog. Maybe this urge will go away on a few months. Maybe even a few weeks. All I know is as of this moment I want to try and be skinny. I haven't gained so I'm still around 123 lbs and I want to be 110. Every so often this feeling comes back, no matter how hard I try to ignore it. Honestly, I've been really happy lately and I have no desire to go back to being antisocial and depressed............but sometimes I just want to be pretty. One moment I truly believe the complements of others, but quietly in the back of my mind, Ana is always whispering. And sometimes that whispering gets a little louder. After that it doesn't take much.

Tips and tricks are welcome, as well as any recommended diets. We'll see if my mom will let me go on a vegetable juice cleanse in the name of healthier eating ^_~ Wish me luck!!
P.S. It's midnight. Hence, the title.

~Cali

What to Say......

Hello everyone! I really don't know what to say after such a long absence. I'm sorry I stopped posting so suddenly :( I know exactly how it feels to wonder what happened to a blogger. Are they happy? Sad? Dying? .....Dead? I used to follow a girl who blogged every month or so. At first I wasn't too worried when she didn't post for a while, but as more and more months went by I began to wonder if she was okay. Her last post hadn't been all that cheerful either. All I could do was hope she was living her life maybe someday she would let us know how she was. 

I really didn't intend to leave for so long. I could see myself posting every few days for a long, long time. So when I say this was unexpected, I really mean it. I guess you could say I've changed, but I am always changing. I'm trying not to think too much about calories and fat percentages. For a while I just ate whatever and didn't even try to restrict. Dieting doesn't work for me, that much I know. I get way too obsessed with food when I diet and that just ends up causing me to eat more.

I believe I am currently still at 123 pounds. I am trying not to eat so much junk food and sugar. I exercise most days (sometimes it's just cleaning the house for my mom XD). I'm letting my schedule be more fluid, while at the same time making sure I fit in the necessary things. It seems to be working so far :P I love summer.

Just know, if I don't post, I am okay. I do want to continue this blog because there are so many supportive people here and sometimes I need to say things I can't say to anyone else. Hopefully I'll post tomorrow. I want to :) 

~Cali

Day By Day

Good evening lovelies! Yesterday and today went well. I didn't drink any tea, actually, but only ate dinner and drank water. I've been feeling really weak today, which doesn't usually happen when I restrict. Maybe my body just isn't used to it............ I dunno. I'm thinking I'll prepare my food for Friday the night before so that I have everything I am going to eat planned out and ready. I'm trying to experiment to find out what works on the days I don't have school. 

My weight today was 121.6 pounds in the morning and the 121.0 when I got home. I'm trying for 120 by the end of tomorrow and over the four days I don't have school maybe I'll get a three pound drop :) If I really keep inspired and on track I think I can make this weekend a successful one! 

Lots going on with ballet theses days in preparation for our show :) Today, we spent most of class going over choreography and staging because the performance is in only two weeks!! My pre-pointe's have broken in a little so they are softer and don't hurt my feet as much. I'm still not sure if I'll be wearing them for the show............I should probably ask about that XD

Have I told you how much I want school to be over? If only it was summer already :P

Hope you all have a fantastic week!! <3

Tomorrow's Another Opportunity

This weekend has not been any better than the last..........well, maybe a little. I exercised more, but food-wise I ate whatever. I'll have to try harder next time, make some sort of plan I guess, learn from my mistakes. Tomorrow I'll only have tea and water if I can get away with it. I'll eat dinner ONLY if I am being urged to (my mom get suspicious easily and is always telling me I eat like crap :/ ) If it doesn't make me too weak, I'll do this for the next three days, throwing in a fruit smoothie if I need a boost. I really want to be toned for summer, and I know it's possible :) Crunches here I come!!

Hope everyone is doing well! These last few weeks of school are so torturous with summer vacation just around the corner. I want to get through them as quickly as possible, only two more years to go after this!!

Thanks for reading, and sorry for such a short and uneventful post. Nothing all that exciting is happening these days :P 

xoxo <3

Three Days, Three Pounds

I'm sure you can see from the title that I have lost three pounds as of today. That puts me back at 120 lbs, and I intend to lose more over the next few weeks. The weekends are the struggle. Recently, I have been losing weight during the week (Tue-Thur for me) and then putting it back on over the weekend due to sugary and unhealthy binge-foods. If I can get through these next four days doing just as good as the days I go to school and have ballet, then I'm sure I can be a lot lower by next week :)

Today I actually ate a little more than usual in an attempt at a scheduled binge. My aim was to speed up my metabolism and get it out of restriction mode, as well as to curb some cravings so they don't pop up over the weekend. I have a Pilates class first thing tomorrow morning and then I'll play some Just Dance :) I need to really distract myself because I'll be home all day and food will be so tempting. Wish me luck for the weekend :P

Not Much to Report

Hello! Nothing major or drastic has happened in the last few days so I don't really have much to say. I haven't eaten much today. No breakfast or lunch, and half of a large sandwich for dinner. I'm actually eating jellybeans at the moment........not the best idea, but it's quite difficult to resist sugar :/ Judging by my weight this morning I have lost about a pound since yesterday. Hopefully there will be a better number tomorrow. I played some Just Dance with my little brother and sister for about a half hour. Damn! I get so sweaty from that game :) I had two hours of ballet before that so I've probably burnt off most of my calories.

By the way if you read this feel free to drop me a comment! I love to hear from you guys. Makes it feel like I'm not just talking to an empty room.............unless it really is an empty room XD

~Anywho...... <3

Vintage Thinspiration

I have been pigging out HARDCORE today. It is Sunday (my treat day), but I think maybe I took it too far.......

On the bright-side, we got the Wii game Just Dance and it's actually a really fun way to exercise :) My plan for tomorrow looks like a water and fruit. I really need a day of simple, non-processed food. The wedding trip was a lot of unhealthy foods and sugar. I never really binged or overate, but everything was pretty fattening, and frankly it made me a little sick. My body just feels better when I eat healthy..........more pure.

Only five more weeks of school left!! I wish I could just fast forward and get this all over with. High-school really is a drag when you're tired of dealing with the people there. It feels like I'm just wasting my time. I wanna be in college already!!

The actual wedding was nice. I got to meet a lot of relatives for the first time and my grandma (she took us) practically word-barfed nonstop the entire day. By "word-barf" I mean she told me a ton of stuff about her past and all the houses she lived in. I think it was mostly for herself but she directed it all at me because I happened to be in the passenger seat. So much freaking word-barf. It was mostly irrelevant :P 

<3

Wedding Trip

Hey everyone :) I'm enjoying a rare moment of SILENCE in the hotel room at the moment. My two younger siblings went down to the pool with my Grandma for a last-minute swim. It took about 4 hours to get here from where we live. It'll take another hour to get to the wedding location tomorrow. 

Food-wise, today has been okay........not the greatest, but that's a little hard on road trip when you have less control :/ The good thing is I haven't gorged on anything so the calorie count is probably manageable. I don't know what I weigh today.......but I am going to try for 115 lbs this week. Or closer to it :) 

~Bye my lovelies <3

Ramblings

Hellooo there! I haven't slipped up at all since my last post :) I'm not depriving myself too much, because that just results in binges. I had a banana for breakfast and then, when I got home at around 6:45 pm, I had an apple. My mom made dinner, which consisted of a thin piece of pork, broccoli and a little less than a cup of brown rice. I had a few pretzels afterwards, but not enough to make that big of a difference. Also, I danced in my new shoes (pre-pointe) in ballet yesterday and today. They are giving me a blister so I really need some toe-tape!! Sadly my local dance supply store NEVER has any............I'll probably just get it online. Bleh.

I weighed 121.4 lbs this morning and then 120.6 when I got home :) Maybe tomorrow I'll see the 119's? My last day of testing is tomorrow which is a relief. I can sleep in a little too, because I don't have to be there until 10 am. Yay! Hope everyone is enjoying the spring weather!! Hopefully I'll be 110 lbs in the near future so I can post some pics :)

~Lurv Ya <3

I See Progress!!

I just spent most of my afternoon sewing ribbons and elastic onto my pre-pointe shoes. I didn't realize how long it took...........or maybe it's just me being a noob :P Either way it's pretty late right now so I gotta keep this post on the shorter side.

I weighed 122.4 lbs this morning and then 121.4 when I got home :) I see progress. Hopefully I'll get even more of a loss tomorrow. Squeee!! I'm so excited to were my pretty shoes!! Heheh, I probably sound so weird right now, but it's EXCITING.

Oh, also I'm going to a wedding this weekend. It's a few hours away from where I live so I'll probably be leaving Friday and getting back Sunday. Now that I think about it that will help me avoid weekend-binging :)

Life is good right now. Except school. That still sucks. But whatever.

I'm in such an odd mood right now XD Hope you guys are being awesome!! Luv ya <3

Can you tell I love Lana? heehee..... :)

By the way, this video does not belong to me.

I Hear the Birds on the Summer Breeze

I don't know how to eat when I don't have a schedule. I get pretty bored and restless over the weekends and that usually results in snacking. One more day and then I have testing at school and ballet on Mon-Thurs.

Today has been pretty chill and I have been vegging out on the computer since this morning. My neighbor was over a little while ago (not the skinny on.....hehe) and we were taking turns holding her baby. Not an actual baby......it is made out of a bag of flour and socks. Her class is doing that pretend baby exercise, except they don't have the really expensive ones that make sounds and wake you up at night. 

I haven't weighed myself since Friday.....I was about 121 then. At the moment I really don't feel up to a diet because they really have not worked all that well for me. If I deprive myself I will end up binging and that just makes everything worse :/ Hope you guys are doing well and enjoying the spring weather..........unless the part of the earth you're on has a different season in April XD Lately all the trees have been sprouting their new green leaves and it makes my backyard look really jungle-y. 

Here's an awesome song that has been stuck in my head today. Enjoy! Love you guys <3

10 Pictures

One Day, One Victory

Smiley Face!! I'm glad today went well :) It wasn't perfect, but I kept food to a minimum and mostly ate fruit. For breakfast I downed a glass of orange juice before scrambling out the door. Lunch was one orange, snacks after school were the following: Two small oranges, a few bites of meat, a small cheese stick, one hard boiled egg and a small bowl of white rice. Again, it wasn't perfect, regardless I am happy about my intake.

I have this paper thing due tomorrow and I have had all of spring break to finish it. BUT. I am a true procrastinator and I saved the ending for tonight. Yay me -__-. Gotta get started on that...........

Good luck to all of you trying to lose weight! The followers of this blog have grown again and it's now at 10 :) It's fun to watch the numbers go up <3

Russian Gymnast Diet

I am starting this diet tomorrow morning and my last day will be Monday, April 8th. For the next week I am going to focus on sticking to the diet and only making changes to it that are completely necessary and will help me stay on track. On my last diet, I don't think I took it seriously enough and as a result, did not lose any weight from it. I'm not sure if I will lose fifteen pounds (although that would put me at my ideal weight).......Hopefully I do lose a nice chunk of weight to get me started. Of course, anyone is welcome to join me and I think it would make it a little easier knowing someone else is going through the same thing :)

I am weighing myself in the morning for a solid start weight. REALLY hoping I am not above 121 lbs. This is going to be a fat burning seven days :)

Epic Easter Failures

Easter is OFFICIALLY my least favorite holiday. For multiple reasons. Oh, and sorry I've been a little M.I.A. for the past two days......... I stayed over at my neighbor's house.

Back to the topic of Easter...... There is a little story that goes with it, and I'm pretty sure it has something to do with my disordered eating. 

     It all started about two years ago. When I turned 14 (in November of 2010), my dad had begun to sink into the deep dark hole of depression. At first it just seemed like he was really tired, and I didn't realize it was so much more than that. We didn't see him for maybe a week at a time and then two or three. My parents were separated (they never actually married because they don't believe in marriage, but it was the same as a divorce), so my dad would come over to my mom's house where we lived to hang out with me and my siblings. By the time Christmas rolled around, we hadn't seen my dad for a while but he still came to celebrate with us. I can't remember exactly but I don't think we saw him after that until Easter. He had disappeared from our lives without a word and left us lost. I remember the feeling of never knowing when or if  I would see him again. 

     On Easter day, my mom told me my dad had called her crying that he wanted to apologize and come back into our lives. I was incredibly angry and hurt and refused to see him, so I spent the night with my neighbor. I hated how it felt like he could just waltz in and out of our lives and I couldn't forgive him for that horrible winter of waiting. That was when I needed control. I couldn't deal with it by hugging him and letting him make it up to me. So I started restricting and tried so hard not to eat the foods I loved. By June of 2011 I had lost a few pounds. That was the end of my eighth grade year and the dread of high-school set in. Having gone to the same small school with the same people and teachers since kindergarten, I could barely imagine life any other way. In June, I went from 117 to 110 pounds, gaining the attention of my mother. She didn't send me away or take me to a therapist, but she definitely noticed. I spent that summer eating barely half of what my friend ate and making up stories about how "I ate a ton before I came". 

     When school started, I gained the weight back bit by bit and began to use food as my comfort item. Last year I got horrible grades and was grounded for most of the second semester. I've been at the same weight for about a year now and have hated every minute of it. I think it's time I get out of this enormous rut and start living again. 

Hope that story was comprehensible....... my writing skills could use an improvement :P Feel free to ask questions or comment on anything :) The story could have been so much longer but it wasn't necessary.  Feels good to get that off my chest. <3

Back On Track

As I look back, today has been a decent success :) My intake was good and I didn't have any candy or sugary things other than fruit. My dad made pizza for dinner so I kinda felt like I had to eat some, so as not to be insulting. It was really delicious and I ended up having two pieces but, well, it could have been worse. Two hours of ballet, stretching and 120 crunches was my exercise. I'm a little nervous about tomorrow because there is not class to structure my day around. I might go for a walk up the hill near my house......... Yeah, I really need to get more cardio in my daily routine. 

So, lets talk intake. Breakfast was a cup of orange juice, yum! For lunch I had half an apple and a kiwi for a fruit salad as well as another cup of orange juice. Then I ate the other half of the apple for a snack before ballet. Dinner was two pieces of pizza followed by 48 ounces of water. Wow, I didn't realize how much I drank until just now :) I think I'll weigh myself tomorrow morning and hope fully I'll be at least at 119 pounds. Here's hoping!