Asian Thinspiration

~Cali

Epic Easter Failures

Easter is OFFICIALLY my least favorite holiday. For multiple reasons. Oh, and sorry I've been a little M.I.A. for the past two days......... I stayed over at my neighbor's house.

Back to the topic of Easter...... There is a little story that goes with it, and I'm pretty sure it has something to do with my disordered eating. 

     It all started about two years ago. When I turned 14 (in November of 2010), my dad had begun to sink into the deep dark hole of depression. At first it just seemed like he was really tired, and I didn't realize it was so much more than that. We didn't see him for maybe a week at a time and then two or three. My parents were separated (they never actually married because they don't believe in marriage, but it was the same as a divorce), so my dad would come over to my mom's house where we lived to hang out with me and my siblings. By the time Christmas rolled around, we hadn't seen my dad for a while but he still came to celebrate with us. I can't remember exactly but I don't think we saw him after that until Easter. He had disappeared from our lives without a word and left us lost. I remember the feeling of never knowing when or if  I would see him again. 

     On Easter day, my mom told me my dad had called her crying that he wanted to apologize and come back into our lives. I was incredibly angry and hurt and refused to see him, so I spent the night with my neighbor. I hated how it felt like he could just waltz in and out of our lives and I couldn't forgive him for that horrible winter of waiting. That was when I needed control. I couldn't deal with it by hugging him and letting him make it up to me. So I started restricting and tried so hard not to eat the foods I loved. By June of 2011 I had lost a few pounds. That was the end of my eighth grade year and the dread of high-school set in. Having gone to the same small school with the same people and teachers since kindergarten, I could barely imagine life any other way. In June, I went from 117 to 110 pounds, gaining the attention of my mother. She didn't send me away or take me to a therapist, but she definitely noticed. I spent that summer eating barely half of what my friend ate and making up stories about how "I ate a ton before I came". 

     When school started, I gained the weight back bit by bit and began to use food as my comfort item. Last year I got horrible grades and was grounded for most of the second semester. I've been at the same weight for about a year now and have hated every minute of it. I think it's time I get out of this enormous rut and start living again. 

Hope that story was comprehensible....... my writing skills could use an improvement :P Feel free to ask questions or comment on anything :) The story could have been so much longer but it wasn't necessary.  Feels good to get that off my chest. <3

Day By Day

I've missed blogging so much!!! This weekend was crazy and filled with food. Hung out with my friend the whole time and she always likes to eat a lot of unhealthy things. It's kind of unfair because she has a super fast metabolism so she is still skinnier than me :( On Saturday I actually got stoned for the first time and it really does give one the munchies so we ate a bunch of chips and ice cream while watching a movie. I got really freaked out that my mom would smell it and ended up taking a shower and changing my clothes on top of spraying tons of perfume every where.

Today has been okay I guess...... I didn't eat anything until dinner and then it was a small portion. Afterwards I started craving junk as usual and caved and ate a banana, two small bagels and some lemon frosting. Hoping tomorrow will be better. Maybe instead of eat junk at night I could try and have some fruit as a replacement and then slowly stop eating after dinner at all. 

I'll keep trying no matter how many times I fall <3

Rain Makes Me Lazy

Hmmm......not having ballet this week is making it hard to get exercise. I am actually a pretty lazy person, but having a class and a teacher kind of obligates me to go and try my hardest. I work best for other people. 

So far today I have not exercised at all.......I think I will after I finish my homework. My plan tomorrow is to only consume water, unsweetened tea and gum. It is my last day of school before 11 days of spring vacation over which I intend to lose the better half of ten pounds. I'm thinking on Friday I'll ask my grandma to take me to the movies because she likes hanging out with me and is usually free. Then I'll tell her she can do some of her errands since we are in town and I can wait at the bakery/coffee shop. There is a drug store next door to it that sells scales and I'm thinking I'll buy one while I'm waiting and then put it in my backpack so she wont see it ;) Hopefully I wont chicken out....... 

Today has gone okay but I am going to do loads better tomorrow. I promise!!

Food:

• Chicken Breast Skinless (213)
• Tortilla Chips (130)
• Chocolate Soy Milk (75) Holy crap I think I'm in love with it!!! XD
• String Cheese (80)

Total = 498                                                       Limit = 400

I still have yet to do exercise........ I WILL DO IT THOUGH!!

Thinspothinspothinspo <3

Headache

I'm sick today :( Probably from all the cookies and frosting I ate last night with my little sister. For part of her birthday present I told her I would make pink piggy cookies with her so we spent the evening frosting and decorating them. We made quite a few and many were eaten during the process. It was fun at the time, but looking back I definitely regret it! I realize my actions don't really reflect the fact that I want to lose weight. I do, but for the past year my eating habits have become more out of habit than necessity. It's so hard to break it, but maybe the key to getting rid of an addiction is finding another to take it's place. Don't think I've lost any weight this week......I might even have gained. My dad's birthday is coming up so maybe I can find an excuse to buy something (a scale) at CVS without anyone knowing what it is.......This morning I was online and I found one for only $10 :)

Last night my little brother left for Kauai on a school field trip for two weeks. That's pretty exciting seeing as he is only 13.........then again I was 13 when I traveled to Thailand for three weeks. It was an amazing experience and it really has made me want to see more of the world. 

Lets see. So I did not count calories today and I haven't for the past few days because they have all been terrible. I woke up at one in the afternoon and had a sandwich with ham and cheese and lettuce. Then I had two cookies because sugar is so freaking addicting. Later I had chips with salsa and then some chicken for dinner. Blackberry ice cream, a bagel with butter, more cookies and I think that's all. Let's just say I am so ashamed to post this, but if I didn't it would kinda be lying. I am not worthy of ana. I can't say I have a problem because if you knew what I looked like you'd laugh. There are a lot of people out there who work hard to be thin and I don't deserve to be in the same category as them if I can't even lose weight. If all I want is to be skinny then why can't I just control myself?

My head is throbbing and my throat hurts so I think I'll go to sleep now. Oh, tonight is daylight savings time for me. Yay for losing an hour of sleep tonight. Not.

A Collage of Fruits and Vegetables

I'd say today went fairly well. I managed to stay under my limit which happens to be 650 calories. For once I worked out on the weekend, which is something I hardly ever do so I am quite pleased with that. Cutting up and preparing food the night before helped loads and I am planning on doing it again for sure. I tried to eat mostly fruits and vegetables today but not exclusively. I also drank a butt-load of green and raspberry tea (with sweetener) to help fill me up. I'll try and keep this up for the rest of the week and slowly not eat anything but the food I've prepared to the night before. Not eating anything at all really effects my performance in ballet class so I'm thinking those days I'll try and eat super healthy foods like banana and peanut butter and maybe a tad of bitter chocolate right before class. Apparently it helps with energy levels. I want to be in terrific shape by the time I get pointe shoes so I'm trying to eat healthy but low in calories. This morning I did 40 minutes of the New York City Ballet workout 2 on youtube. There was a good core section and it was pretty similar to the way my classes are structured so that was nice. I'm thinking I'll do that or another ballet workout on days I don't have ballet class to further my improvement :)

I finally weighed myself after two weeks and it was a bit of a disappointment. The scale at my neighbors house said 119.2 pounds so that's only a 0.2 drop in two weeks. Next Saturday I'll make sure that I'm in the 18 range. This coming week will be a lot better than the last one. I'll get organized and exercise and stretch every night. Spring break is in three weeks and I want to be a few pounds lighter by then so I better start moving my ass!

Food Consumed:

• 3 Kiwis (139)
• 1/2 Cup Bell peppers (23)
• 1 Cup Cantaloupe (54)
•  1/2 Papaya (59)
• 1 Cup Salad w/ Balsamic Vinegar (36)
• 1 Tbs Peanut Butter (94)
• 1 Cup White Rice (242)
• 4 Slices Ham (70)

Total = 718                            Limit = 650

Exercise = -269

Net Calories = 449

Now, I know that on the Skinny Girl Diet calories from fruit and vegetables don't count but I felt like adding them just 'cause :P

I'm off to go prepare some more snacks for tomorrow! I'll be skinny. Just you wait and see ;)

Persistence and Consistency

I screwed up. Again. For me weekends are my weak point. No school to distract me. No dance to burn off calories. And worst of all late nights where I eat whilst everyone else sleeps. I feel fat. If I keep this up then I'm definitely on the fast track to a much higher weight. Basically what I did today was paint, watch TV shows and make endless trips to the kitchen cupboards. I feel like I have let you guys down and I am so ashamed to post today. But there is always tomorrow and anything is possible.

I didn't weigh today......I'll do that in the morning. I'm going to cry if I have gained. I think I'll go on a fruit fast starting tomorrow. Oh, and about the ABC diet...... I still would really like to do it so maybe I'll just keep doing it and forget about these past two days.

I think the reason I have been comfort/binge eating recently could have to do with some of the drama going on in my life. Like how I had a boyfriend a month ago but then his cat died and he ignored me so I got mad and stopped answering his calls and now we are currently not speaking. It's really petty, I can see that, but I am just so over him and his immature ways. We are pretty much polar opposites and I've found that we have very little, if anything, in common. So, rant over.

The visions of a thigh gap and a flat stomach keep taunting me as I realize the mistake I have made. I don't need food to be happy. I don't need food to feel comfort. I don't need food except right before ballet and occasionally throughout the week. What I'm trying to say is that I shouldn't have to depend of food. Eat to live, don't live to eat. I will do better tomorrow. For your sake, for the sake of this blog and for a thinner future, where you actually will be able to call me skinny :)

~Good luck and Goodnight <3

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Temptations Taken Too Far

  Okay, today has not gone as well as possible. It hasn't really even gone well at all. I just looked in the mirror and it looks like there is a football in my stomach. AWESOME. Not. So lets recap....

The day started off iffy with half a banana and a few handfuls of nuts. I was not supposed to go over 400 calories today so everything must be small. Then at school they were selling lollipops which happens to be my favorite candy so I caved and bought three because for some reason I thought 150 calories was not so bad. I should have saved that for healthy food and not sugary candies. Then came home and had a jumble of things including 3 slices of buttermilk bread (300) which by the way is soooo addicting!! As well as one third of my brother's chocolate bar (157), spaghetti with three meatballs, chips and salsa, part of an orange, and milk with chocolate powder. That list seems SO much longer when I write it out! The upside to this binge is that it will get my metabolism up again so I'm not in starvation mode. That will be helpful for my 100 calorie limit tomorrow :) 

  I want to be skinny. If models can do it so can I. If fat people can lose weight so can I. I WILL be skinny. I WILL be thin! Posting some runway/model thinspo today because they must work really hard to be beautiful. Lets try and be as fierce as these models <3

Fucking Blubber

  I feel like a WHALE. I can feel the gross fat rolls on my stomach. Uhg. Weighing myself in the morning. NOT looking forward to it. As you can probably guess...I ate like a mad man today. I was going to fast an I succeeded for the first half of the day....but then I started craving things and I couldn't resist so I was like "fuck it. I'll just fast tomorrow", which I ALWAYS say when I lose my willpower. So I will fast tomorrow I guess....and I'll update you guys on my weight. However, I dread the thought of gaining....binging sucks.

  Oh, my mom got home yesterday from a three week trip to Panama. I am always getting super annoyed at her because I feel like she just nags me nonstop. It was nice having a break from her...but now she's back and I need to find ways to not let her notice my lack of eating.
 
  Hopefully I am going to be hanging out with my neighbor tomorrow because a bunch of people are having a  meeting thing at her house. Let's hope for a good weight tomorrow morning!

I feel so gross right now! Blarg. Must do better tomorrow. Must be perfect. Must be thin. Good luck everyone!! <3