Midnight Report

Long time no blog. Maybe this urge will go away on a few months. Maybe even a few weeks. All I know is as of this moment I want to try and be skinny. I haven't gained so I'm still around 123 lbs and I want to be 110. Every so often this feeling comes back, no matter how hard I try to ignore it. Honestly, I've been really happy lately and I have no desire to go back to being antisocial and depressed............but sometimes I just want to be pretty. One moment I truly believe the complements of others, but quietly in the back of my mind, Ana is always whispering. And sometimes that whispering gets a little louder. After that it doesn't take much.

Tips and tricks are welcome, as well as any recommended diets. We'll see if my mom will let me go on a vegetable juice cleanse in the name of healthier eating ^_~ Wish me luck!!
P.S. It's midnight. Hence, the title.

~Cali

Just A Quick Hello

Hi! I just got back from watching the fireworks to celebrate Independence Day with my friends and family. I wanted to write this for anyone who reads my blog. I'm not sure how long I will continue this, but I wont vanish again. For now I'll keep post at least every-other day. I guess you could say I hate myself less these days. Then again, summer usually has less stress for me and maybe it will return with the school year. Taking it one day at a time.

Hope everyone is doing well :) Have a lovely week where ever you are <3

~Cali

What to Say......

Hello everyone! I really don't know what to say after such a long absence. I'm sorry I stopped posting so suddenly :( I know exactly how it feels to wonder what happened to a blogger. Are they happy? Sad? Dying? .....Dead? I used to follow a girl who blogged every month or so. At first I wasn't too worried when she didn't post for a while, but as more and more months went by I began to wonder if she was okay. Her last post hadn't been all that cheerful either. All I could do was hope she was living her life maybe someday she would let us know how she was. 

I really didn't intend to leave for so long. I could see myself posting every few days for a long, long time. So when I say this was unexpected, I really mean it. I guess you could say I've changed, but I am always changing. I'm trying not to think too much about calories and fat percentages. For a while I just ate whatever and didn't even try to restrict. Dieting doesn't work for me, that much I know. I get way too obsessed with food when I diet and that just ends up causing me to eat more.

I believe I am currently still at 123 pounds. I am trying not to eat so much junk food and sugar. I exercise most days (sometimes it's just cleaning the house for my mom XD). I'm letting my schedule be more fluid, while at the same time making sure I fit in the necessary things. It seems to be working so far :P I love summer.

Just know, if I don't post, I am okay. I do want to continue this blog because there are so many supportive people here and sometimes I need to say things I can't say to anyone else. Hopefully I'll post tomorrow. I want to :) 

~Cali

Tomorrow's Another Opportunity

This weekend has not been any better than the last..........well, maybe a little. I exercised more, but food-wise I ate whatever. I'll have to try harder next time, make some sort of plan I guess, learn from my mistakes. Tomorrow I'll only have tea and water if I can get away with it. I'll eat dinner ONLY if I am being urged to (my mom get suspicious easily and is always telling me I eat like crap :/ ) If it doesn't make me too weak, I'll do this for the next three days, throwing in a fruit smoothie if I need a boost. I really want to be toned for summer, and I know it's possible :) Crunches here I come!!

Hope everyone is doing well! These last few weeks of school are so torturous with summer vacation just around the corner. I want to get through them as quickly as possible, only two more years to go after this!!

Thanks for reading, and sorry for such a short and uneventful post. Nothing all that exciting is happening these days :P 

xoxo <3

Three Days, Three Pounds

I'm sure you can see from the title that I have lost three pounds as of today. That puts me back at 120 lbs, and I intend to lose more over the next few weeks. The weekends are the struggle. Recently, I have been losing weight during the week (Tue-Thur for me) and then putting it back on over the weekend due to sugary and unhealthy binge-foods. If I can get through these next four days doing just as good as the days I go to school and have ballet, then I'm sure I can be a lot lower by next week :)

Today I actually ate a little more than usual in an attempt at a scheduled binge. My aim was to speed up my metabolism and get it out of restriction mode, as well as to curb some cravings so they don't pop up over the weekend. I have a Pilates class first thing tomorrow morning and then I'll play some Just Dance :) I need to really distract myself because I'll be home all day and food will be so tempting. Wish me luck for the weekend :P

Vintage Thinspiration

I have been pigging out HARDCORE today. It is Sunday (my treat day), but I think maybe I took it too far.......

On the bright-side, we got the Wii game Just Dance and it's actually a really fun way to exercise :) My plan for tomorrow looks like a water and fruit. I really need a day of simple, non-processed food. The wedding trip was a lot of unhealthy foods and sugar. I never really binged or overate, but everything was pretty fattening, and frankly it made me a little sick. My body just feels better when I eat healthy..........more pure.

Only five more weeks of school left!! I wish I could just fast forward and get this all over with. High-school really is a drag when you're tired of dealing with the people there. It feels like I'm just wasting my time. I wanna be in college already!!

The actual wedding was nice. I got to meet a lot of relatives for the first time and my grandma (she took us) practically word-barfed nonstop the entire day. By "word-barf" I mean she told me a ton of stuff about her past and all the houses she lived in. I think it was mostly for herself but she directed it all at me because I happened to be in the passenger seat. So much freaking word-barf. It was mostly irrelevant :P 

<3

Wedding Trip

Hey everyone :) I'm enjoying a rare moment of SILENCE in the hotel room at the moment. My two younger siblings went down to the pool with my Grandma for a last-minute swim. It took about 4 hours to get here from where we live. It'll take another hour to get to the wedding location tomorrow. 

Food-wise, today has been okay........not the greatest, but that's a little hard on road trip when you have less control :/ The good thing is I haven't gorged on anything so the calorie count is probably manageable. I don't know what I weigh today.......but I am going to try for 115 lbs this week. Or closer to it :) 

~Bye my lovelies <3

Ramblings

Hellooo there! I haven't slipped up at all since my last post :) I'm not depriving myself too much, because that just results in binges. I had a banana for breakfast and then, when I got home at around 6:45 pm, I had an apple. My mom made dinner, which consisted of a thin piece of pork, broccoli and a little less than a cup of brown rice. I had a few pretzels afterwards, but not enough to make that big of a difference. Also, I danced in my new shoes (pre-pointe) in ballet yesterday and today. They are giving me a blister so I really need some toe-tape!! Sadly my local dance supply store NEVER has any............I'll probably just get it online. Bleh.

I weighed 121.4 lbs this morning and then 120.6 when I got home :) Maybe tomorrow I'll see the 119's? My last day of testing is tomorrow which is a relief. I can sleep in a little too, because I don't have to be there until 10 am. Yay! Hope everyone is enjoying the spring weather!! Hopefully I'll be 110 lbs in the near future so I can post some pics :)

~Lurv Ya <3

I See Progress!!

I just spent most of my afternoon sewing ribbons and elastic onto my pre-pointe shoes. I didn't realize how long it took...........or maybe it's just me being a noob :P Either way it's pretty late right now so I gotta keep this post on the shorter side.

I weighed 122.4 lbs this morning and then 121.4 when I got home :) I see progress. Hopefully I'll get even more of a loss tomorrow. Squeee!! I'm so excited to were my pretty shoes!! Heheh, I probably sound so weird right now, but it's EXCITING.

Oh, also I'm going to a wedding this weekend. It's a few hours away from where I live so I'll probably be leaving Friday and getting back Sunday. Now that I think about it that will help me avoid weekend-binging :)

Life is good right now. Except school. That still sucks. But whatever.

I'm in such an odd mood right now XD Hope you guys are being awesome!! Luv ya <3

Can you tell I love Lana? heehee..... :)

By the way, this video does not belong to me.

I Hear the Birds on the Summer Breeze

I don't know how to eat when I don't have a schedule. I get pretty bored and restless over the weekends and that usually results in snacking. One more day and then I have testing at school and ballet on Mon-Thurs.

Today has been pretty chill and I have been vegging out on the computer since this morning. My neighbor was over a little while ago (not the skinny on.....hehe) and we were taking turns holding her baby. Not an actual baby......it is made out of a bag of flour and socks. Her class is doing that pretend baby exercise, except they don't have the really expensive ones that make sounds and wake you up at night. 

I haven't weighed myself since Friday.....I was about 121 then. At the moment I really don't feel up to a diet because they really have not worked all that well for me. If I deprive myself I will end up binging and that just makes everything worse :/ Hope you guys are doing well and enjoying the spring weather..........unless the part of the earth you're on has a different season in April XD Lately all the trees have been sprouting their new green leaves and it makes my backyard look really jungle-y. 

Here's an awesome song that has been stuck in my head today. Enjoy! Love you guys <3

Pre-Pointe Shoes

Hey people! Lately I have been working my ass off with ballet and school. The picture above is my pair of pre-pointe shoes that I got just a few hours ago :) I still have yet to sew on the elastic and ribbons but I thought I'd post a picture for you guys.....in case you're interested :P I can't go all the way up into full pointe (on my toes) in these shoes because they do not have all the support of an actual pointe shoe. Regardless, they're still freaking awesome and I am incredibly stoked to have gotten to this level :) Hopefully by September (2013) I'll be getting my first pair of ACTUAL pointe shoes!!

Okay, 'nuf said about that. Let's talk about weight. This morning I weighed myself and was 121.8 lbs. Directly after school and ballet I weighed myself again and was 121 exactly :) Now, this may seem to be a gain because I haven't posted in FOREVER, but actually it is a drop of two pounds since Sunday. When I last posted I was around 125 lbs because I had not weighed myself in a few days. The day after I posted I realized I was, in fact 125 and not 120 lbs (like I said on my blog). I'm actually pretty happy with the way things are going at the moment. I seem to have broken my incessant craving to eat and it's making it oh-so much easier.

To ease myself back into blogging I'll start by posting every other day. For now. I think, because I did not lose any weight for the entirety of the time I was blogging, I subconsciously thought there was some sort of a connection between weight-loss and blogging everyday. I really didn't want to go back to that so I cringed away form posting here. Just a hypothesis :P

Russian Gymnast Diet

I am starting this diet tomorrow morning and my last day will be Monday, April 8th. For the next week I am going to focus on sticking to the diet and only making changes to it that are completely necessary and will help me stay on track. On my last diet, I don't think I took it seriously enough and as a result, did not lose any weight from it. I'm not sure if I will lose fifteen pounds (although that would put me at my ideal weight).......Hopefully I do lose a nice chunk of weight to get me started. Of course, anyone is welcome to join me and I think it would make it a little easier knowing someone else is going through the same thing :)

I am weighing myself in the morning for a solid start weight. REALLY hoping I am not above 121 lbs. This is going to be a fat burning seven days :)

Back On Track

As I look back, today has been a decent success :) My intake was good and I didn't have any candy or sugary things other than fruit. My dad made pizza for dinner so I kinda felt like I had to eat some, so as not to be insulting. It was really delicious and I ended up having two pieces but, well, it could have been worse. Two hours of ballet, stretching and 120 crunches was my exercise. I'm a little nervous about tomorrow because there is not class to structure my day around. I might go for a walk up the hill near my house......... Yeah, I really need to get more cardio in my daily routine. 

So, lets talk intake. Breakfast was a cup of orange juice, yum! For lunch I had half an apple and a kiwi for a fruit salad as well as another cup of orange juice. Then I ate the other half of the apple for a snack before ballet. Dinner was two pieces of pizza followed by 48 ounces of water. Wow, I didn't realize how much I drank until just now :) I think I'll weigh myself tomorrow morning and hope fully I'll be at least at 119 pounds. Here's hoping!

Detox Diet

Today could definitely have gone a million times better, but it didn't. At this point I don't really have time to give up, so everyday is a new struggle. First thing this morning I binged which is a horrible way to start the day. It made me feel really sick for a while afterwards. I had a two hour ballet class in the afternoon so I got some exercise in :) Then, in an attempt to save the day I ate only a few bites of dinner and gave the rest to my little sister. Buuut then I had a bagel a bunch of tortilla chips after everyone went to bed. MY WEAKNESS.

I'm thinking tomorrow's food will only consist of fruits and veggies because all these starches and binge foods are really beginning to feel disgusting as they sit in my stomach and make me fat. I just want to be rid of them and I think I am actually quite a bit addicted to sugar, salt and starches. 

Today was the last day of SGD and I really don't think I tried as hard as I could have. Maybe if I actually stuck to it everyday I would have lost weight. I think sometimes I would lie to myself about the calories and really that doesn't make it better because that way I wont lose weight. I am so frustrating to myself at times. I feel like every time I post on here it is so describe another day of failure. That really needs to stop. Yeah. I need to step up my game because if I don't, nothing is going to change and that is what I'm afraid of.

Stay with me people. I'll struggle harder for you tomorrow <3

Day By Day

I've missed blogging so much!!! This weekend was crazy and filled with food. Hung out with my friend the whole time and she always likes to eat a lot of unhealthy things. It's kind of unfair because she has a super fast metabolism so she is still skinnier than me :( On Saturday I actually got stoned for the first time and it really does give one the munchies so we ate a bunch of chips and ice cream while watching a movie. I got really freaked out that my mom would smell it and ended up taking a shower and changing my clothes on top of spraying tons of perfume every where.

Today has been okay I guess...... I didn't eat anything until dinner and then it was a small portion. Afterwards I started craving junk as usual and caved and ate a banana, two small bagels and some lemon frosting. Hoping tomorrow will be better. Maybe instead of eat junk at night I could try and have some fruit as a replacement and then slowly stop eating after dinner at all. 

I'll keep trying no matter how many times I fall <3

I'll Be Stronger

I am so ashamed right now. I let you down and I let myself down. I am tired of feeling this way and I want tomorrow to be better. The next time I want to eat I will try to remember how it feels to be stuffed and disgusted. Food can't make me feel better. It only makes it worse and I need to keep that in mind.

I am going to try not to let this drag me down, and tomorrow morning I'll get up without food and go to bed without food. I don't care if it's painful, or even if I have to leave my house to avoid dinner. I don't care. I am going to prove to myself that it is possible to have control.

Not sure what my intake was today because I stopped counting when it got bad :/ I did manage to exercise but then I made cookies and it went downhill fast from there. I hope everyone is doing well. Reading your blogs has become like a nightly ritual for me :) Stay Strong <3

Rain Makes Me Lazy

Hmmm......not having ballet this week is making it hard to get exercise. I am actually a pretty lazy person, but having a class and a teacher kind of obligates me to go and try my hardest. I work best for other people. 

So far today I have not exercised at all.......I think I will after I finish my homework. My plan tomorrow is to only consume water, unsweetened tea and gum. It is my last day of school before 11 days of spring vacation over which I intend to lose the better half of ten pounds. I'm thinking on Friday I'll ask my grandma to take me to the movies because she likes hanging out with me and is usually free. Then I'll tell her she can do some of her errands since we are in town and I can wait at the bakery/coffee shop. There is a drug store next door to it that sells scales and I'm thinking I'll buy one while I'm waiting and then put it in my backpack so she wont see it ;) Hopefully I wont chicken out....... 

Today has gone okay but I am going to do loads better tomorrow. I promise!!

Food:

• Chicken Breast Skinless (213)
• Tortilla Chips (130)
• Chocolate Soy Milk (75) Holy crap I think I'm in love with it!!! XD
• String Cheese (80)

Total = 498                                                       Limit = 400

I still have yet to do exercise........ I WILL DO IT THOUGH!!

Thinspothinspothinspo <3

Dancing the Day Away

All I can say is: MY LEGS ARE SO SORE. But I love it XD I'm really not kidding, being this sore is part of the joy of exercise. Is that demented? Well, maybe :)

I ate half a bagel for breakfast (100), TWO freaking poptarts for lunch (400! Ack!!), and then a granola bar as a snack (90). I am currently eating a salad thing with tofu and lots of veggies......dunno how many calories it is, but it's super healthy :) Exercise wise I did modern dance for about an hour and then ballet for two hours and then went back to school and performed a dance with the rest of my modern dance class. It's been a pretty eventful day and I think I am just going to relax and watch the show Bunheads which is about ballet and dance and is overall a hilariously amazing television show.

Good night, and have a delicious evening everyone!! <3