What to Say......

Hello everyone! I really don't know what to say after such a long absence. I'm sorry I stopped posting so suddenly :( I know exactly how it feels to wonder what happened to a blogger. Are they happy? Sad? Dying? .....Dead? I used to follow a girl who blogged every month or so. At first I wasn't too worried when she didn't post for a while, but as more and more months went by I began to wonder if she was okay. Her last post hadn't been all that cheerful either. All I could do was hope she was living her life maybe someday she would let us know how she was. 

I really didn't intend to leave for so long. I could see myself posting every few days for a long, long time. So when I say this was unexpected, I really mean it. I guess you could say I've changed, but I am always changing. I'm trying not to think too much about calories and fat percentages. For a while I just ate whatever and didn't even try to restrict. Dieting doesn't work for me, that much I know. I get way too obsessed with food when I diet and that just ends up causing me to eat more.

I believe I am currently still at 123 pounds. I am trying not to eat so much junk food and sugar. I exercise most days (sometimes it's just cleaning the house for my mom XD). I'm letting my schedule be more fluid, while at the same time making sure I fit in the necessary things. It seems to be working so far :P I love summer.

Just know, if I don't post, I am okay. I do want to continue this blog because there are so many supportive people here and sometimes I need to say things I can't say to anyone else. Hopefully I'll post tomorrow. I want to :) 

~Cali

10 Pictures

Epic Easter Failures

Easter is OFFICIALLY my least favorite holiday. For multiple reasons. Oh, and sorry I've been a little M.I.A. for the past two days......... I stayed over at my neighbor's house.

Back to the topic of Easter...... There is a little story that goes with it, and I'm pretty sure it has something to do with my disordered eating. 

     It all started about two years ago. When I turned 14 (in November of 2010), my dad had begun to sink into the deep dark hole of depression. At first it just seemed like he was really tired, and I didn't realize it was so much more than that. We didn't see him for maybe a week at a time and then two or three. My parents were separated (they never actually married because they don't believe in marriage, but it was the same as a divorce), so my dad would come over to my mom's house where we lived to hang out with me and my siblings. By the time Christmas rolled around, we hadn't seen my dad for a while but he still came to celebrate with us. I can't remember exactly but I don't think we saw him after that until Easter. He had disappeared from our lives without a word and left us lost. I remember the feeling of never knowing when or if  I would see him again. 

     On Easter day, my mom told me my dad had called her crying that he wanted to apologize and come back into our lives. I was incredibly angry and hurt and refused to see him, so I spent the night with my neighbor. I hated how it felt like he could just waltz in and out of our lives and I couldn't forgive him for that horrible winter of waiting. That was when I needed control. I couldn't deal with it by hugging him and letting him make it up to me. So I started restricting and tried so hard not to eat the foods I loved. By June of 2011 I had lost a few pounds. That was the end of my eighth grade year and the dread of high-school set in. Having gone to the same small school with the same people and teachers since kindergarten, I could barely imagine life any other way. In June, I went from 117 to 110 pounds, gaining the attention of my mother. She didn't send me away or take me to a therapist, but she definitely noticed. I spent that summer eating barely half of what my friend ate and making up stories about how "I ate a ton before I came". 

     When school started, I gained the weight back bit by bit and began to use food as my comfort item. Last year I got horrible grades and was grounded for most of the second semester. I've been at the same weight for about a year now and have hated every minute of it. I think it's time I get out of this enormous rut and start living again. 

Hope that story was comprehensible....... my writing skills could use an improvement :P Feel free to ask questions or comment on anything :) The story could have been so much longer but it wasn't necessary.  Feels good to get that off my chest. <3

Self-Control

These days I find myself thinking of all the things I need to get done and then realizing how many there are. Stress is starting to creep upon me and that's the last thing I need. When I get overwhelmed with school or deadlines I tend to start procrastinating hardcore. Maybe before my spring vacation is over I'll get some of the stuff done that has been piling up. It's not a good feeling when you know you should get something done now or you'll regret it later, and yet you still don't do it. 

Anywho..... Today has been better than yesterday, but still not perfect. I ate only fruit and veggies for the most part, except for a bagel and a few chips. Tomorrow I'll shoot for less starchy food and try to ween myself off of it in the next few days. At this point I need to keep binges to a minimum and try to be a little bit better everyday :) As well as sticking more to my word when I say I will do something diet-wise. Blogging has brought to my attention that I am a bit flaky when it comes to following a routine and practicing self-control/willpower.

I'll Be Stronger

I am so ashamed right now. I let you down and I let myself down. I am tired of feeling this way and I want tomorrow to be better. The next time I want to eat I will try to remember how it feels to be stuffed and disgusted. Food can't make me feel better. It only makes it worse and I need to keep that in mind.

I am going to try not to let this drag me down, and tomorrow morning I'll get up without food and go to bed without food. I don't care if it's painful, or even if I have to leave my house to avoid dinner. I don't care. I am going to prove to myself that it is possible to have control.

Not sure what my intake was today because I stopped counting when it got bad :/ I did manage to exercise but then I made cookies and it went downhill fast from there. I hope everyone is doing well. Reading your blogs has become like a nightly ritual for me :) Stay Strong <3

Guess What?

   

I GOT A SCALE!! Oh my gosh it's like a dream come true! I didn't think I could actually pull this off but I did and the scale is actually really nice looking :) It's glass, and the only thing that annoys me is that I have to take it into the bathroom with me to weigh myself because my room is fully carpeted. But then again it is WAY better than walking all the way to my neighbors house and awkwardly trying to find an excuse to use their bathroom :P

 Last night after I posted my mother told me she has a meeting a little after I get out of school. So I ended up waiting for her at the bakery/coffee shop place that is next to the drug store :) When she left I went over there and walked around the entire store AT LEAST 5 times before I asked an employee where to find bathroom scales. I was so close to freaking out and running out of there but I knew I probably would never get the chance to buy one again. I also bought a birthday card in case anyone asked why I was buying a scale I would tell them it was for my mother's birthday. Now I have a lame card in my backpack that I will never use. Meh.

I do believe I have done exceptionally well today given my past record of indulgence and lack of will power. I did have to eat dinner again because my dad was here. I'll try and get out of it tomorrow so I can have a 72 hour fast (we can do it Katy!!!!). I am very nervous. I really want to be near 110 lbs by April when I go back to school. 

Food:

• Pasta (130)
• Shrimp (71)
• Salad (11)
• Chocolate Soy Milk (181)

Total = 393 (OH YEAH BABY)                                                      Limit = 500 

Exercise = -33

Net = 360

'Night all you lovelies out there :) Thanks for reading!! <3

Everyday Is The Same.

Why don't I have stronger will power? When I don't eat, I want food SO bad and then once I eat I regret it!! It's a vicious cycle and it hasn't gotten me anywhere near skinny. I remember when I was at my lowest weigh two years ago and I never really binged. Since then I have spiraled out of control and I need to get back there. I'm switching school for next year and I want to start over thin and confidant. I don't know whether to use negative or positive motivation.........I just need to be thin. Everything these days reminds me how I am failing at achieving this one. Simple. Goal. Lately my mom has even gotten thinner than me and it freaks me out how out of control this all is.

I think I'll leave it at that and hopefully I'll have something better to post tomorrow. After school is always my weakest point in the day and today it pretty much ruined me :( Good night <3 Thanks for all of your support!!

A Clean Slate

Sometimes, when I go to bed at night, I promise myself that tomorrow I will do better. I will exercise and eat less. Sometimes I follow through, other times I don't. However, I always find it easier to start something new with a clean slate and a brand new sunrise :) For me, it is difficult to stop eating midday and starve because I have already started and it feels impossible to stop. 

Tonight I have told myself that in the morning I shall exercise and eat very little, if at all. I am going to start doing a workout in phases. Each week is a new phase and there are four weeks which get progressively harder and harder. Here is phase 1/4:

 Day 1 - 333 jumping jacks, 60 crunches, 60 squats, 6 push ups

 Day 2 - 300 jumping jacks, 50 crunches, 50 squats, 5 push ups
 Day 3 - 250 jumping jacks, 40 crunches, 40 squats, 4 push ups
 Day 4 - 233 jumping jacks, 30 crunches, 30 squats, 3 push ups
 Day 5 - 200 jumping jacks, 20 crunches, 20 squats, 2 push ups
 Day 6 - 100 jumping jacks, 10 crunches, 10 squats, 2 push ups
 Day 7 - Rest day. Take advantage of this day. Each faze gets harder. 6 push ups

I'm going to try this. Anyone who wants to join me is very welcome to do so :) Now, to get some sleep for tomorrow.

Tea, Tea and More Tea

I guzzled down so much tea today! I made a bunch yesterday and left it in the refrigerator because I like it cold better. Made a big jar of raspberry and a big jar of green and I finished them BOTH off. Whenever I go into the kitchen I get a cup and after a while there is no more :P 

Exercised again today. Did twenty minutes of a mellow ballet warm-up and then later told myself that if I wanted a burrito for dinner I had to do 120 crunches and the whole New York Ballet floor workout. Did my laundry in preparation for the week and finished homework. In fact, today was pretty productive and Sundays kind of set the tone for the week so that's definitely a good sign. I have a little bit of a stomach ache at the moment...........probably from eating that damn burrito. Ah well, makes me not want to binge like I used to do in the evenings :) I didn't eat all of my pre-made snacks because I sacrificed a few of them for a burrito and a bowl of cereal. Not my best moment but it's a wok in progress so it'll get better.

Food:

• 3 Kiwis (139)
• 1 Scrambled Egg (102)
• 1 Slice of Bread (110)
• 1/2 Cup Cantaloupe (27)
• 3 Oz Nonfat Greek Chobani Yogurt (70)
• 3/4 Cup 2% Milk (92)
• 1 Cup Hole 'n Oats Cereal (120)
• 1 Bean & Cheese Burrito (140)

Total = 800                                                   Limit = 650

Exercise = -263

Net = 537

So not too bad, but I'll have to do better tomorrow because my limit is 400. I have a make-up ballet class for an hour so that should help a little :) Best of luck to everyone! 3 followers Woohoo!! Yeah I know it's not a ton but it's something and it's fun to have people reading my blog.....hehe....it keeps me accountable :P

A Dancer's Body

One thing has been on my mind all day. That thing is dance, and the body that comes with it if you work hard enough. I want that dancer's body more than I though and  for some reason today it has been haunting the back of my mind. The long lean muscles, that perfect curve of the foot, and a grace so strong it makes you fly. Probably a big reason why dancing has been on my mind today is because I went to see my former modern dance teacher perform this evening. It was so nice to get that little treat on a Friday night and it has definitely inspired the hell out of me :) I am going to try to become a strong and powerful dancer starting tomorrow morning. On the days I don't have ballet class I think I'll follow a video on youtube which is about an hour long. I'm also going to start eating more like a dancer would/should. I'll try and keep the calories low and be easy on the carbs because I still am trying to lose weight and I'll be staying on the Skinny Girl Diet in case you were wondering. I really want to get more flexible and above all, be able to do the splits! I'll be working hard on that and everything else in my life because I feel like such a slacker right now. I'm ging to be making all the food I am allowed to eat the next day and packaging them separately so that I don't end up eating them all at once. I made a huge jar of green tea with agave nectar from cacti so that is what I'll be drinking tomorrow. I will try my hardest to achieve my goal weigh and I'll support myself and do whatever it is that needs to be done to distract myself from food. 

Lets just say I'd rather not talk about today. Tomorrow is a fresh start and we'll go from there :)

Work hard with me? <3

Update on SGD

SGD Day 3!!

Yesterday was the first time I missed posting :( So sad. My perfect record is now not so perfect. I was actually sick yesterday and didn't get to go see that dance movie I mentioned. I was planning on a post but I went to bed really early and this morning realized I never got around to it. Skipped dinner because I was tired and fell asleep. I did manage to work out a bit and did jumping jacks for five minutes (I like to do them while watching upbeat thinspo videos) and then 120 crunches. Later I did a 6 minute circuit training video. I burned off any extra calories and stayed at no more than 300 hundred. 

So today I went to school and did my hour and fifteen minute ballet class afterwards. According to the app. I use called Lose It! that burned off 448 calories. 

What I ate:

• 1 small candy bar = 42
• 10 tortilla chips = 170
• 3 Tbs chunky salsa = 12
• 1/2 cup white rice = 81

 Total = 305 calories           Limit = 400 calories

            -448

           = -143

So the net calorie number is zero. Which. Is. Awesome!!

I reeeaaally want to be at least 119 lbs this weekend. Hopefully less :)

Welcome to the newest follower!! gtbSkinnny :) 

I <3 Thinspo!