Midnight Report

Long time no blog. Maybe this urge will go away on a few months. Maybe even a few weeks. All I know is as of this moment I want to try and be skinny. I haven't gained so I'm still around 123 lbs and I want to be 110. Every so often this feeling comes back, no matter how hard I try to ignore it. Honestly, I've been really happy lately and I have no desire to go back to being antisocial and depressed............but sometimes I just want to be pretty. One moment I truly believe the complements of others, but quietly in the back of my mind, Ana is always whispering. And sometimes that whispering gets a little louder. After that it doesn't take much.

Tips and tricks are welcome, as well as any recommended diets. We'll see if my mom will let me go on a vegetable juice cleanse in the name of healthier eating ^_~ Wish me luck!!
P.S. It's midnight. Hence, the title.

~Cali

Asian Thinspiration

~Cali

Just A Quick Hello

Hi! I just got back from watching the fireworks to celebrate Independence Day with my friends and family. I wanted to write this for anyone who reads my blog. I'm not sure how long I will continue this, but I wont vanish again. For now I'll keep post at least every-other day. I guess you could say I hate myself less these days. Then again, summer usually has less stress for me and maybe it will return with the school year. Taking it one day at a time.

Hope everyone is doing well :) Have a lovely week where ever you are <3

~Cali

What to Say......

Hello everyone! I really don't know what to say after such a long absence. I'm sorry I stopped posting so suddenly :( I know exactly how it feels to wonder what happened to a blogger. Are they happy? Sad? Dying? .....Dead? I used to follow a girl who blogged every month or so. At first I wasn't too worried when she didn't post for a while, but as more and more months went by I began to wonder if she was okay. Her last post hadn't been all that cheerful either. All I could do was hope she was living her life maybe someday she would let us know how she was. 

I really didn't intend to leave for so long. I could see myself posting every few days for a long, long time. So when I say this was unexpected, I really mean it. I guess you could say I've changed, but I am always changing. I'm trying not to think too much about calories and fat percentages. For a while I just ate whatever and didn't even try to restrict. Dieting doesn't work for me, that much I know. I get way too obsessed with food when I diet and that just ends up causing me to eat more.

I believe I am currently still at 123 pounds. I am trying not to eat so much junk food and sugar. I exercise most days (sometimes it's just cleaning the house for my mom XD). I'm letting my schedule be more fluid, while at the same time making sure I fit in the necessary things. It seems to be working so far :P I love summer.

Just know, if I don't post, I am okay. I do want to continue this blog because there are so many supportive people here and sometimes I need to say things I can't say to anyone else. Hopefully I'll post tomorrow. I want to :) 

~Cali

Three Weeks and I'm Free!

Only three weeks left. Just. Three. Weeks. Then, no more school. For two months I don't have to sit in a classroom all day :) That makes me happy. Summer is my favorite time of the year because life feels happier, lighter, free-er, better. That's how it should be. But then again maybe it wouldn't be so amazing if I didn't spend the rest of the year wishing for it. It's like candy. If you eat it all the time it's no longer a treat. I'll just have to enjoy it while it lasts :)

I don't know what I weigh right now. Nor do I want to know. It's probably bad. When I see the number I might swear to never eat again. two hours later I'll break my promise. That's how it goes most of the time. Sometimes I am strong. I don't eat, and nothing can break me....................until something does. Then I let myself down. 

Got my period yesterday. Fuck that. I'm so frickin bloated and gross today. As usual I got a fat pimple in the middle of my face. Yay for hormones. I haven't restricted since Thursday. I have three hours of ballet rehearsal tomorrow. I think I need to go to bed early tonight.

Just so you all know, I have no intention to stop blogging. I realize my posts are less frequent these days, but I'm not going to dwindle out on you guys :) This blog is just getting started, and the people who are currently following me are amazing. Thanks Loves!!

~Cali

Day By Day

Good evening lovelies! Yesterday and today went well. I didn't drink any tea, actually, but only ate dinner and drank water. I've been feeling really weak today, which doesn't usually happen when I restrict. Maybe my body just isn't used to it............ I dunno. I'm thinking I'll prepare my food for Friday the night before so that I have everything I am going to eat planned out and ready. I'm trying to experiment to find out what works on the days I don't have school. 

My weight today was 121.6 pounds in the morning and the 121.0 when I got home. I'm trying for 120 by the end of tomorrow and over the four days I don't have school maybe I'll get a three pound drop :) If I really keep inspired and on track I think I can make this weekend a successful one! 

Lots going on with ballet theses days in preparation for our show :) Today, we spent most of class going over choreography and staging because the performance is in only two weeks!! My pre-pointe's have broken in a little so they are softer and don't hurt my feet as much. I'm still not sure if I'll be wearing them for the show............I should probably ask about that XD

Have I told you how much I want school to be over? If only it was summer already :P

Hope you all have a fantastic week!! <3

Tomorrow's Another Opportunity

This weekend has not been any better than the last..........well, maybe a little. I exercised more, but food-wise I ate whatever. I'll have to try harder next time, make some sort of plan I guess, learn from my mistakes. Tomorrow I'll only have tea and water if I can get away with it. I'll eat dinner ONLY if I am being urged to (my mom get suspicious easily and is always telling me I eat like crap :/ ) If it doesn't make me too weak, I'll do this for the next three days, throwing in a fruit smoothie if I need a boost. I really want to be toned for summer, and I know it's possible :) Crunches here I come!!

Hope everyone is doing well! These last few weeks of school are so torturous with summer vacation just around the corner. I want to get through them as quickly as possible, only two more years to go after this!!

Thanks for reading, and sorry for such a short and uneventful post. Nothing all that exciting is happening these days :P 

xoxo <3

Three Days, Three Pounds

I'm sure you can see from the title that I have lost three pounds as of today. That puts me back at 120 lbs, and I intend to lose more over the next few weeks. The weekends are the struggle. Recently, I have been losing weight during the week (Tue-Thur for me) and then putting it back on over the weekend due to sugary and unhealthy binge-foods. If I can get through these next four days doing just as good as the days I go to school and have ballet, then I'm sure I can be a lot lower by next week :)

Today I actually ate a little more than usual in an attempt at a scheduled binge. My aim was to speed up my metabolism and get it out of restriction mode, as well as to curb some cravings so they don't pop up over the weekend. I have a Pilates class first thing tomorrow morning and then I'll play some Just Dance :) I need to really distract myself because I'll be home all day and food will be so tempting. Wish me luck for the weekend :P

Not Much to Report

Hello! Nothing major or drastic has happened in the last few days so I don't really have much to say. I haven't eaten much today. No breakfast or lunch, and half of a large sandwich for dinner. I'm actually eating jellybeans at the moment........not the best idea, but it's quite difficult to resist sugar :/ Judging by my weight this morning I have lost about a pound since yesterday. Hopefully there will be a better number tomorrow. I played some Just Dance with my little brother and sister for about a half hour. Damn! I get so sweaty from that game :) I had two hours of ballet before that so I've probably burnt off most of my calories.

By the way if you read this feel free to drop me a comment! I love to hear from you guys. Makes it feel like I'm not just talking to an empty room.............unless it really is an empty room XD

~Anywho...... <3

Wedding Trip

Hey everyone :) I'm enjoying a rare moment of SILENCE in the hotel room at the moment. My two younger siblings went down to the pool with my Grandma for a last-minute swim. It took about 4 hours to get here from where we live. It'll take another hour to get to the wedding location tomorrow. 

Food-wise, today has been okay........not the greatest, but that's a little hard on road trip when you have less control :/ The good thing is I haven't gorged on anything so the calorie count is probably manageable. I don't know what I weigh today.......but I am going to try for 115 lbs this week. Or closer to it :) 

~Bye my lovelies <3

I See Progress!!

I just spent most of my afternoon sewing ribbons and elastic onto my pre-pointe shoes. I didn't realize how long it took...........or maybe it's just me being a noob :P Either way it's pretty late right now so I gotta keep this post on the shorter side.

I weighed 122.4 lbs this morning and then 121.4 when I got home :) I see progress. Hopefully I'll get even more of a loss tomorrow. Squeee!! I'm so excited to were my pretty shoes!! Heheh, I probably sound so weird right now, but it's EXCITING.

Oh, also I'm going to a wedding this weekend. It's a few hours away from where I live so I'll probably be leaving Friday and getting back Sunday. Now that I think about it that will help me avoid weekend-binging :)

Life is good right now. Except school. That still sucks. But whatever.

I'm in such an odd mood right now XD Hope you guys are being awesome!! Luv ya <3

Can you tell I love Lana? heehee..... :)

By the way, this video does not belong to me.

I Hear the Birds on the Summer Breeze

I don't know how to eat when I don't have a schedule. I get pretty bored and restless over the weekends and that usually results in snacking. One more day and then I have testing at school and ballet on Mon-Thurs.

Today has been pretty chill and I have been vegging out on the computer since this morning. My neighbor was over a little while ago (not the skinny on.....hehe) and we were taking turns holding her baby. Not an actual baby......it is made out of a bag of flour and socks. Her class is doing that pretend baby exercise, except they don't have the really expensive ones that make sounds and wake you up at night. 

I haven't weighed myself since Friday.....I was about 121 then. At the moment I really don't feel up to a diet because they really have not worked all that well for me. If I deprive myself I will end up binging and that just makes everything worse :/ Hope you guys are doing well and enjoying the spring weather..........unless the part of the earth you're on has a different season in April XD Lately all the trees have been sprouting their new green leaves and it makes my backyard look really jungle-y. 

Here's an awesome song that has been stuck in my head today. Enjoy! Love you guys <3

Pre-Pointe Shoes

Hey people! Lately I have been working my ass off with ballet and school. The picture above is my pair of pre-pointe shoes that I got just a few hours ago :) I still have yet to sew on the elastic and ribbons but I thought I'd post a picture for you guys.....in case you're interested :P I can't go all the way up into full pointe (on my toes) in these shoes because they do not have all the support of an actual pointe shoe. Regardless, they're still freaking awesome and I am incredibly stoked to have gotten to this level :) Hopefully by September (2013) I'll be getting my first pair of ACTUAL pointe shoes!!

Okay, 'nuf said about that. Let's talk about weight. This morning I weighed myself and was 121.8 lbs. Directly after school and ballet I weighed myself again and was 121 exactly :) Now, this may seem to be a gain because I haven't posted in FOREVER, but actually it is a drop of two pounds since Sunday. When I last posted I was around 125 lbs because I had not weighed myself in a few days. The day after I posted I realized I was, in fact 125 and not 120 lbs (like I said on my blog). I'm actually pretty happy with the way things are going at the moment. I seem to have broken my incessant craving to eat and it's making it oh-so much easier.

To ease myself back into blogging I'll start by posting every other day. For now. I think, because I did not lose any weight for the entirety of the time I was blogging, I subconsciously thought there was some sort of a connection between weight-loss and blogging everyday. I really didn't want to go back to that so I cringed away form posting here. Just a hypothesis :P

Epic Easter Failures

Easter is OFFICIALLY my least favorite holiday. For multiple reasons. Oh, and sorry I've been a little M.I.A. for the past two days......... I stayed over at my neighbor's house.

Back to the topic of Easter...... There is a little story that goes with it, and I'm pretty sure it has something to do with my disordered eating. 

     It all started about two years ago. When I turned 14 (in November of 2010), my dad had begun to sink into the deep dark hole of depression. At first it just seemed like he was really tired, and I didn't realize it was so much more than that. We didn't see him for maybe a week at a time and then two or three. My parents were separated (they never actually married because they don't believe in marriage, but it was the same as a divorce), so my dad would come over to my mom's house where we lived to hang out with me and my siblings. By the time Christmas rolled around, we hadn't seen my dad for a while but he still came to celebrate with us. I can't remember exactly but I don't think we saw him after that until Easter. He had disappeared from our lives without a word and left us lost. I remember the feeling of never knowing when or if  I would see him again. 

     On Easter day, my mom told me my dad had called her crying that he wanted to apologize and come back into our lives. I was incredibly angry and hurt and refused to see him, so I spent the night with my neighbor. I hated how it felt like he could just waltz in and out of our lives and I couldn't forgive him for that horrible winter of waiting. That was when I needed control. I couldn't deal with it by hugging him and letting him make it up to me. So I started restricting and tried so hard not to eat the foods I loved. By June of 2011 I had lost a few pounds. That was the end of my eighth grade year and the dread of high-school set in. Having gone to the same small school with the same people and teachers since kindergarten, I could barely imagine life any other way. In June, I went from 117 to 110 pounds, gaining the attention of my mother. She didn't send me away or take me to a therapist, but she definitely noticed. I spent that summer eating barely half of what my friend ate and making up stories about how "I ate a ton before I came". 

     When school started, I gained the weight back bit by bit and began to use food as my comfort item. Last year I got horrible grades and was grounded for most of the second semester. I've been at the same weight for about a year now and have hated every minute of it. I think it's time I get out of this enormous rut and start living again. 

Hope that story was comprehensible....... my writing skills could use an improvement :P Feel free to ask questions or comment on anything :) The story could have been so much longer but it wasn't necessary.  Feels good to get that off my chest. <3

Self-Control

These days I find myself thinking of all the things I need to get done and then realizing how many there are. Stress is starting to creep upon me and that's the last thing I need. When I get overwhelmed with school or deadlines I tend to start procrastinating hardcore. Maybe before my spring vacation is over I'll get some of the stuff done that has been piling up. It's not a good feeling when you know you should get something done now or you'll regret it later, and yet you still don't do it. 

Anywho..... Today has been better than yesterday, but still not perfect. I ate only fruit and veggies for the most part, except for a bagel and a few chips. Tomorrow I'll shoot for less starchy food and try to ween myself off of it in the next few days. At this point I need to keep binges to a minimum and try to be a little bit better everyday :) As well as sticking more to my word when I say I will do something diet-wise. Blogging has brought to my attention that I am a bit flaky when it comes to following a routine and practicing self-control/willpower.

Guess What?

   

I GOT A SCALE!! Oh my gosh it's like a dream come true! I didn't think I could actually pull this off but I did and the scale is actually really nice looking :) It's glass, and the only thing that annoys me is that I have to take it into the bathroom with me to weigh myself because my room is fully carpeted. But then again it is WAY better than walking all the way to my neighbors house and awkwardly trying to find an excuse to use their bathroom :P

 Last night after I posted my mother told me she has a meeting a little after I get out of school. So I ended up waiting for her at the bakery/coffee shop place that is next to the drug store :) When she left I went over there and walked around the entire store AT LEAST 5 times before I asked an employee where to find bathroom scales. I was so close to freaking out and running out of there but I knew I probably would never get the chance to buy one again. I also bought a birthday card in case anyone asked why I was buying a scale I would tell them it was for my mother's birthday. Now I have a lame card in my backpack that I will never use. Meh.

I do believe I have done exceptionally well today given my past record of indulgence and lack of will power. I did have to eat dinner again because my dad was here. I'll try and get out of it tomorrow so I can have a 72 hour fast (we can do it Katy!!!!). I am very nervous. I really want to be near 110 lbs by April when I go back to school. 

Food:

• Pasta (130)
• Shrimp (71)
• Salad (11)
• Chocolate Soy Milk (181)

Total = 393 (OH YEAH BABY)                                                      Limit = 500 

Exercise = -33

Net = 360

'Night all you lovelies out there :) Thanks for reading!! <3

Just A Little Bit Better

I have made some progress in the last 24 hours. I was originally going to fast but when my mom made dinner for me and insisted I eat with her I really couldn't say no. I have to be careful around her because when I first started restricting I made an ana/thinspiration journal. One morning, when she thought I had left the house, my mother went into my room and was looking through my stuff. She found what looked like a diary and opened it to find thinspo pictures and two pages of tips and tricks. The whole time I had been in my closet, and it was all I could do to stop myself from telling her she had just invaded my privacy and I knew it. She never mentioned it so neither did I, but I doubt she has forgotten.

Yeah.....so that's my little story. At the time it really pissed me off that she would read what she thought to be my journal. Who knows what else she has done. It's actually getting close to what I think is the anniversary of my struggle with food. I can't believe it has been two years of this. On the day of I'll tell you what was probably the event that started it. I was only really thin for about two months of that :( I will get there again!

Food:

• Cereal Bar (120)
• String Cheese (80)
• 2 Slices of Ham (34)
• 1/2 Cup Pasta (130)
• Pork (42)
• Broccoli (15)
• 20 Jelly Beans (82)

Total = 503 calories                                             Limit = 300

Exercise = -259

Net Calories = 245

Not so bad I guess. Today could have been better but I managed not to binge so I'm definitely pleased with that :) I'll try to fast tomorrow but I can't predict if dinner will be optional or not...... My mom wont be home on Thursday or Friday so maybe I can beat my record fasting time of 43 hours? I really want to achieve a 72 hour fast!  <3