I'm Alive!!!

Long time no blog! My life felt like it was missing something for a while because I didn't have access to my computer or internet :/ There are so many new things I want to share!

Reason for not blogging: I skipped a bunch of school which resulted in a confiscated computer and an iPod blocked from the internet (my dad is really good with computer technology and related stuff so I was kinda screwed.......).

Life Updates: I am now going to school only on Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Thursdays. Monday and Fridays I will study at home :) It is starting to really warm up where I live and I think that is helping to minimize all of the comfort-food cravings.

Weight-loss? FAIL. I am at 120 lbs right now........... Not on a diet. Oh, and that Russian Gymnast thing lasted about a day D:

My Plan: Not blogging has shown me something. Blogging every day tends to make me obsess over what I eat and that makes me stress, and THAT makes me eat (among other things). I think I'll blog less frequently now, but I'll make sure it is a minimum of once a week.....Most likely on a Friday :)

OhMyGawdICanSeeSummer!

Epic Easter Failures

Easter is OFFICIALLY my least favorite holiday. For multiple reasons. Oh, and sorry I've been a little M.I.A. for the past two days......... I stayed over at my neighbor's house.

Back to the topic of Easter...... There is a little story that goes with it, and I'm pretty sure it has something to do with my disordered eating. 

     It all started about two years ago. When I turned 14 (in November of 2010), my dad had begun to sink into the deep dark hole of depression. At first it just seemed like he was really tired, and I didn't realize it was so much more than that. We didn't see him for maybe a week at a time and then two or three. My parents were separated (they never actually married because they don't believe in marriage, but it was the same as a divorce), so my dad would come over to my mom's house where we lived to hang out with me and my siblings. By the time Christmas rolled around, we hadn't seen my dad for a while but he still came to celebrate with us. I can't remember exactly but I don't think we saw him after that until Easter. He had disappeared from our lives without a word and left us lost. I remember the feeling of never knowing when or if  I would see him again. 

     On Easter day, my mom told me my dad had called her crying that he wanted to apologize and come back into our lives. I was incredibly angry and hurt and refused to see him, so I spent the night with my neighbor. I hated how it felt like he could just waltz in and out of our lives and I couldn't forgive him for that horrible winter of waiting. That was when I needed control. I couldn't deal with it by hugging him and letting him make it up to me. So I started restricting and tried so hard not to eat the foods I loved. By June of 2011 I had lost a few pounds. That was the end of my eighth grade year and the dread of high-school set in. Having gone to the same small school with the same people and teachers since kindergarten, I could barely imagine life any other way. In June, I went from 117 to 110 pounds, gaining the attention of my mother. She didn't send me away or take me to a therapist, but she definitely noticed. I spent that summer eating barely half of what my friend ate and making up stories about how "I ate a ton before I came". 

     When school started, I gained the weight back bit by bit and began to use food as my comfort item. Last year I got horrible grades and was grounded for most of the second semester. I've been at the same weight for about a year now and have hated every minute of it. I think it's time I get out of this enormous rut and start living again. 

Hope that story was comprehensible....... my writing skills could use an improvement :P Feel free to ask questions or comment on anything :) The story could have been so much longer but it wasn't necessary.  Feels good to get that off my chest. <3

I'll Be Stronger

I am so ashamed right now. I let you down and I let myself down. I am tired of feeling this way and I want tomorrow to be better. The next time I want to eat I will try to remember how it feels to be stuffed and disgusted. Food can't make me feel better. It only makes it worse and I need to keep that in mind.

I am going to try not to let this drag me down, and tomorrow morning I'll get up without food and go to bed without food. I don't care if it's painful, or even if I have to leave my house to avoid dinner. I don't care. I am going to prove to myself that it is possible to have control.

Not sure what my intake was today because I stopped counting when it got bad :/ I did manage to exercise but then I made cookies and it went downhill fast from there. I hope everyone is doing well. Reading your blogs has become like a nightly ritual for me :) Stay Strong <3

Just A Little Bit Better

I have made some progress in the last 24 hours. I was originally going to fast but when my mom made dinner for me and insisted I eat with her I really couldn't say no. I have to be careful around her because when I first started restricting I made an ana/thinspiration journal. One morning, when she thought I had left the house, my mother went into my room and was looking through my stuff. She found what looked like a diary and opened it to find thinspo pictures and two pages of tips and tricks. The whole time I had been in my closet, and it was all I could do to stop myself from telling her she had just invaded my privacy and I knew it. She never mentioned it so neither did I, but I doubt she has forgotten.

Yeah.....so that's my little story. At the time it really pissed me off that she would read what she thought to be my journal. Who knows what else she has done. It's actually getting close to what I think is the anniversary of my struggle with food. I can't believe it has been two years of this. On the day of I'll tell you what was probably the event that started it. I was only really thin for about two months of that :( I will get there again!

Food:

• Cereal Bar (120)
• String Cheese (80)
• 2 Slices of Ham (34)
• 1/2 Cup Pasta (130)
• Pork (42)
• Broccoli (15)
• 20 Jelly Beans (82)

Total = 503 calories                                             Limit = 300

Exercise = -259

Net Calories = 245

Not so bad I guess. Today could have been better but I managed not to binge so I'm definitely pleased with that :) I'll try to fast tomorrow but I can't predict if dinner will be optional or not...... My mom wont be home on Thursday or Friday so maybe I can beat my record fasting time of 43 hours? I really want to achieve a 72 hour fast!  <3

Everyday Is The Same.

Why don't I have stronger will power? When I don't eat, I want food SO bad and then once I eat I regret it!! It's a vicious cycle and it hasn't gotten me anywhere near skinny. I remember when I was at my lowest weigh two years ago and I never really binged. Since then I have spiraled out of control and I need to get back there. I'm switching school for next year and I want to start over thin and confidant. I don't know whether to use negative or positive motivation.........I just need to be thin. Everything these days reminds me how I am failing at achieving this one. Simple. Goal. Lately my mom has even gotten thinner than me and it freaks me out how out of control this all is.

I think I'll leave it at that and hopefully I'll have something better to post tomorrow. After school is always my weakest point in the day and today it pretty much ruined me :( Good night <3 Thanks for all of your support!!

Chasing Perfection with Negative Calorie Foods

  Do you know the feeling that you'll never lose weight? When those ten pounds seem more like one hundred? When all you want to do is rip the fat from you body and become perfect? Well that's how I feel right now. But if I sit and think I will come to the conclusion that perfection is not that easy. Perfection takes hard work and everything you've got. Fat doesn't drip off of you in seconds or even days, not in this world. If perfection was that easy it wouldn't be worth so much. We always want what we can't have. That is why we will hurt ourselves and destroy ourselves to be perfect. If you achieved perfection would you be happy there? Based on our history we would search for something better, more beautiful and more tantalizing. But for now we will strive for perfection. The impossible. 

"Perfection is not attainable, but if we chase perfection we can catch excellence."

~Vince Lombardi

  Anyhow...... What I ate today: For breakfast I had one slice of buttermilk bread (100), I had half a banana (about 48) right before my two hour ballet class because DAMN is it brutal! Then came home and had more leftover spaghetti and three meatballs (360) at my mom's urging. I was supposed to stay bellow 300 calories today but alas I am terrified that my mom will get on my back about not eating. Trust me on this, when she nags she fucking NAGS. If you know what I mean. But I did exercise more today than yesterday because Tuesdays and Thursdays I have a modern dance class right before ballet and we always do 120 crunches and then hold a plank FOREVER! It's painful. Then I did two hours of my level 2 ballet class and felt like never moving again by the time it was over :) Don't get me wrong, I adore ballet but it takes all my energy to keep my technique towards the end of class.

  I am super proud of myself for posting everyday so far! I know I've said this before but it really does help me from binging and it keeps me super accountable. I've noticed with a lot of bloggers that whenever they have been absent a while their next post usually says something about how they were binging when away. I totally get this because on days (like this) when I have gone over my set calories I don't really want to tell you guys and let you down. Thanks to anyone who reads this! You are helping even if you don't realize it :) 

  Weight-wise I think I have definitely (hopefully!) lost some weight. Psyched for Saturday when I'll be weighing myself. Wish me luck!! 

  And now for those negative calorie foods! Most of you probably know about these but for those of you who are not sure what I talking about, let me elaborate. Negative calorie foods claim to use up more energy digesting than they contain. They are not entirely "negative" per say, but they are already low in calories and with the body digesting them they contribute even less calories. They fill your stomach with less calories per volume so they will help you lose weight. Hope this makes some sort of sense..... I found a list of "negative" calorie foods so here they are people :) Much luck to you all!!

Fruits

apple 

cranberries 

grapefruit 

lemon 

mango 

orange 

pineapple 

raspberries 

strawberries 

tangerine  

Vegetables

asparagus

beet

broccoli

cabbage (green)

carrot

cauliflower

celery

Chile peppers (hot)

cucumber

dandelion

endive

garden cress

garlic

green beans

lettuce

onion

papaya

radishes

spinach

turnip

And now some motivation!! <3