What to Say......

Hello everyone! I really don't know what to say after such a long absence. I'm sorry I stopped posting so suddenly :( I know exactly how it feels to wonder what happened to a blogger. Are they happy? Sad? Dying? .....Dead? I used to follow a girl who blogged every month or so. At first I wasn't too worried when she didn't post for a while, but as more and more months went by I began to wonder if she was okay. Her last post hadn't been all that cheerful either. All I could do was hope she was living her life maybe someday she would let us know how she was. 

I really didn't intend to leave for so long. I could see myself posting every few days for a long, long time. So when I say this was unexpected, I really mean it. I guess you could say I've changed, but I am always changing. I'm trying not to think too much about calories and fat percentages. For a while I just ate whatever and didn't even try to restrict. Dieting doesn't work for me, that much I know. I get way too obsessed with food when I diet and that just ends up causing me to eat more.

I believe I am currently still at 123 pounds. I am trying not to eat so much junk food and sugar. I exercise most days (sometimes it's just cleaning the house for my mom XD). I'm letting my schedule be more fluid, while at the same time making sure I fit in the necessary things. It seems to be working so far :P I love summer.

Just know, if I don't post, I am okay. I do want to continue this blog because there are so many supportive people here and sometimes I need to say things I can't say to anyone else. Hopefully I'll post tomorrow. I want to :) 

~Cali

Day By Day

Good evening lovelies! Yesterday and today went well. I didn't drink any tea, actually, but only ate dinner and drank water. I've been feeling really weak today, which doesn't usually happen when I restrict. Maybe my body just isn't used to it............ I dunno. I'm thinking I'll prepare my food for Friday the night before so that I have everything I am going to eat planned out and ready. I'm trying to experiment to find out what works on the days I don't have school. 

My weight today was 121.6 pounds in the morning and the 121.0 when I got home. I'm trying for 120 by the end of tomorrow and over the four days I don't have school maybe I'll get a three pound drop :) If I really keep inspired and on track I think I can make this weekend a successful one! 

Lots going on with ballet theses days in preparation for our show :) Today, we spent most of class going over choreography and staging because the performance is in only two weeks!! My pre-pointe's have broken in a little so they are softer and don't hurt my feet as much. I'm still not sure if I'll be wearing them for the show............I should probably ask about that XD

Have I told you how much I want school to be over? If only it was summer already :P

Hope you all have a fantastic week!! <3

Pre-Pointe Shoes

Hey people! Lately I have been working my ass off with ballet and school. The picture above is my pair of pre-pointe shoes that I got just a few hours ago :) I still have yet to sew on the elastic and ribbons but I thought I'd post a picture for you guys.....in case you're interested :P I can't go all the way up into full pointe (on my toes) in these shoes because they do not have all the support of an actual pointe shoe. Regardless, they're still freaking awesome and I am incredibly stoked to have gotten to this level :) Hopefully by September (2013) I'll be getting my first pair of ACTUAL pointe shoes!!

Okay, 'nuf said about that. Let's talk about weight. This morning I weighed myself and was 121.8 lbs. Directly after school and ballet I weighed myself again and was 121 exactly :) Now, this may seem to be a gain because I haven't posted in FOREVER, but actually it is a drop of two pounds since Sunday. When I last posted I was around 125 lbs because I had not weighed myself in a few days. The day after I posted I realized I was, in fact 125 and not 120 lbs (like I said on my blog). I'm actually pretty happy with the way things are going at the moment. I seem to have broken my incessant craving to eat and it's making it oh-so much easier.

To ease myself back into blogging I'll start by posting every other day. For now. I think, because I did not lose any weight for the entirety of the time I was blogging, I subconsciously thought there was some sort of a connection between weight-loss and blogging everyday. I really didn't want to go back to that so I cringed away form posting here. Just a hypothesis :P

Guess What?

   

I GOT A SCALE!! Oh my gosh it's like a dream come true! I didn't think I could actually pull this off but I did and the scale is actually really nice looking :) It's glass, and the only thing that annoys me is that I have to take it into the bathroom with me to weigh myself because my room is fully carpeted. But then again it is WAY better than walking all the way to my neighbors house and awkwardly trying to find an excuse to use their bathroom :P

 Last night after I posted my mother told me she has a meeting a little after I get out of school. So I ended up waiting for her at the bakery/coffee shop place that is next to the drug store :) When she left I went over there and walked around the entire store AT LEAST 5 times before I asked an employee where to find bathroom scales. I was so close to freaking out and running out of there but I knew I probably would never get the chance to buy one again. I also bought a birthday card in case anyone asked why I was buying a scale I would tell them it was for my mother's birthday. Now I have a lame card in my backpack that I will never use. Meh.

I do believe I have done exceptionally well today given my past record of indulgence and lack of will power. I did have to eat dinner again because my dad was here. I'll try and get out of it tomorrow so I can have a 72 hour fast (we can do it Katy!!!!). I am very nervous. I really want to be near 110 lbs by April when I go back to school. 

Food:

• Pasta (130)
• Shrimp (71)
• Salad (11)
• Chocolate Soy Milk (181)

Total = 393 (OH YEAH BABY)                                                      Limit = 500 

Exercise = -33

Net = 360

'Night all you lovelies out there :) Thanks for reading!! <3

The Power of a Scale

Bleh. I feel kinda sick today but I think it's just that cold going away. I didn't eat until I got home but then I didn't really restrict all that much. Still, I don't think I ate all that much and I did a ton of jumping jacks and crunches :) My legs are SO sore today from ballet! I enjoy the soreness, though, because it means I burned calories. So, when the calories burned from exercise are subtracted from the calories from food I'm pretty positive that I have stayed under 400.

Tomorrow evening I am performing in my school talent show. My whole dance class is doing a modern piece together and I'm super stoked :P We'll be wearing all black with some abstract black face paint too. 

Speaking of school, I finished my High School Exit Exam today and I think I did well because it was surprisingly easy.

This weekend my little sister is having her friends over to celebrate her birthday and me and the friend I mentioned in an earlier post will probably end up helping with it. I cannot even express how much I want and need a SCALE!! I'm one of those people who will weigh myself and freak out and exercise if I have gained even 0.2 pounds. For me that's helpful because it makes me realize the impact of food and keeps me on track. Wantwantwant a scale. 

Headache

I'm sick today :( Probably from all the cookies and frosting I ate last night with my little sister. For part of her birthday present I told her I would make pink piggy cookies with her so we spent the evening frosting and decorating them. We made quite a few and many were eaten during the process. It was fun at the time, but looking back I definitely regret it! I realize my actions don't really reflect the fact that I want to lose weight. I do, but for the past year my eating habits have become more out of habit than necessity. It's so hard to break it, but maybe the key to getting rid of an addiction is finding another to take it's place. Don't think I've lost any weight this week......I might even have gained. My dad's birthday is coming up so maybe I can find an excuse to buy something (a scale) at CVS without anyone knowing what it is.......This morning I was online and I found one for only $10 :)

Last night my little brother left for Kauai on a school field trip for two weeks. That's pretty exciting seeing as he is only 13.........then again I was 13 when I traveled to Thailand for three weeks. It was an amazing experience and it really has made me want to see more of the world. 

Lets see. So I did not count calories today and I haven't for the past few days because they have all been terrible. I woke up at one in the afternoon and had a sandwich with ham and cheese and lettuce. Then I had two cookies because sugar is so freaking addicting. Later I had chips with salsa and then some chicken for dinner. Blackberry ice cream, a bagel with butter, more cookies and I think that's all. Let's just say I am so ashamed to post this, but if I didn't it would kinda be lying. I am not worthy of ana. I can't say I have a problem because if you knew what I looked like you'd laugh. There are a lot of people out there who work hard to be thin and I don't deserve to be in the same category as them if I can't even lose weight. If all I want is to be skinny then why can't I just control myself?

My head is throbbing and my throat hurts so I think I'll go to sleep now. Oh, tonight is daylight savings time for me. Yay for losing an hour of sleep tonight. Not.

Aching Abs

Yup. I did crunches today and that on top of yesterday has made my stomach muscles pretty damn sore. I like it though...... dunno about you all, but the feeling of sore abs makes me feel successful and a little bit thinner :) I'm not sure if I'm the only one who likes feeling sore as hell after a workout, but it just goes to remind me that I did something good for my body. Whenever I get a craving an image of a perfect ballerina body flashes though my head and puts me back on track. These past three days have been really successful for me and I'm hoping so hard for a two pound drop this week!! My little sister's 10th Birthday is on Thursday and I am going to make her pig cookies because she loves pigs :) I'm planning on having Thursday be my treat day and I'll try not to go too overboard even though there will probably be the cookies along with cake and ice-cream and of course a high calorie dinner. Maybe that'll boost my metabolism for the Friday........... I'm just going to have to think on the positive side and keep those sweets in check.

Today I didn't eat until after school and one hour of ballet. 

Food:

• 3/4 Cup Blueberries (63)
• 3 Oz Non Fat Greek Chobani Yogurt (70)
• 1 Tbs Chunky Peanut Butter (94)
• Chicken Pot Roast (386)

Total = 614                                                        Limit = 400

Exercise = -426

Net = 188

Burned off most of my calories even though I went waaay over the limit foodwise.

Hope everyone's day was splendid! Talk to you all tomorrow <3