Asian Thinspiration

~Cali

Just A Quick Hello

Hi! I just got back from watching the fireworks to celebrate Independence Day with my friends and family. I wanted to write this for anyone who reads my blog. I'm not sure how long I will continue this, but I wont vanish again. For now I'll keep post at least every-other day. I guess you could say I hate myself less these days. Then again, summer usually has less stress for me and maybe it will return with the school year. Taking it one day at a time.

Hope everyone is doing well :) Have a lovely week where ever you are <3

~Cali

Ramblings

Hellooo there! I haven't slipped up at all since my last post :) I'm not depriving myself too much, because that just results in binges. I had a banana for breakfast and then, when I got home at around 6:45 pm, I had an apple. My mom made dinner, which consisted of a thin piece of pork, broccoli and a little less than a cup of brown rice. I had a few pretzels afterwards, but not enough to make that big of a difference. Also, I danced in my new shoes (pre-pointe) in ballet yesterday and today. They are giving me a blister so I really need some toe-tape!! Sadly my local dance supply store NEVER has any............I'll probably just get it online. Bleh.

I weighed 121.4 lbs this morning and then 120.6 when I got home :) Maybe tomorrow I'll see the 119's? My last day of testing is tomorrow which is a relief. I can sleep in a little too, because I don't have to be there until 10 am. Yay! Hope everyone is enjoying the spring weather!! Hopefully I'll be 110 lbs in the near future so I can post some pics :)

~Lurv Ya <3

Day By Day

I've missed blogging so much!!! This weekend was crazy and filled with food. Hung out with my friend the whole time and she always likes to eat a lot of unhealthy things. It's kind of unfair because she has a super fast metabolism so she is still skinnier than me :( On Saturday I actually got stoned for the first time and it really does give one the munchies so we ate a bunch of chips and ice cream while watching a movie. I got really freaked out that my mom would smell it and ended up taking a shower and changing my clothes on top of spraying tons of perfume every where.

Today has been okay I guess...... I didn't eat anything until dinner and then it was a small portion. Afterwards I started craving junk as usual and caved and ate a banana, two small bagels and some lemon frosting. Hoping tomorrow will be better. Maybe instead of eat junk at night I could try and have some fruit as a replacement and then slowly stop eating after dinner at all. 

I'll keep trying no matter how many times I fall <3

I'll Be Stronger

I am so ashamed right now. I let you down and I let myself down. I am tired of feeling this way and I want tomorrow to be better. The next time I want to eat I will try to remember how it feels to be stuffed and disgusted. Food can't make me feel better. It only makes it worse and I need to keep that in mind.

I am going to try not to let this drag me down, and tomorrow morning I'll get up without food and go to bed without food. I don't care if it's painful, or even if I have to leave my house to avoid dinner. I don't care. I am going to prove to myself that it is possible to have control.

Not sure what my intake was today because I stopped counting when it got bad :/ I did manage to exercise but then I made cookies and it went downhill fast from there. I hope everyone is doing well. Reading your blogs has become like a nightly ritual for me :) Stay Strong <3

Rain Makes Me Lazy

Hmmm......not having ballet this week is making it hard to get exercise. I am actually a pretty lazy person, but having a class and a teacher kind of obligates me to go and try my hardest. I work best for other people. 

So far today I have not exercised at all.......I think I will after I finish my homework. My plan tomorrow is to only consume water, unsweetened tea and gum. It is my last day of school before 11 days of spring vacation over which I intend to lose the better half of ten pounds. I'm thinking on Friday I'll ask my grandma to take me to the movies because she likes hanging out with me and is usually free. Then I'll tell her she can do some of her errands since we are in town and I can wait at the bakery/coffee shop. There is a drug store next door to it that sells scales and I'm thinking I'll buy one while I'm waiting and then put it in my backpack so she wont see it ;) Hopefully I wont chicken out....... 

Today has gone okay but I am going to do loads better tomorrow. I promise!!

Food:

• Chicken Breast Skinless (213)
• Tortilla Chips (130)
• Chocolate Soy Milk (75) Holy crap I think I'm in love with it!!! XD
• String Cheese (80)

Total = 498                                                       Limit = 400

I still have yet to do exercise........ I WILL DO IT THOUGH!!

Thinspothinspothinspo <3

Just A Little Bit Better

I have made some progress in the last 24 hours. I was originally going to fast but when my mom made dinner for me and insisted I eat with her I really couldn't say no. I have to be careful around her because when I first started restricting I made an ana/thinspiration journal. One morning, when she thought I had left the house, my mother went into my room and was looking through my stuff. She found what looked like a diary and opened it to find thinspo pictures and two pages of tips and tricks. The whole time I had been in my closet, and it was all I could do to stop myself from telling her she had just invaded my privacy and I knew it. She never mentioned it so neither did I, but I doubt she has forgotten.

Yeah.....so that's my little story. At the time it really pissed me off that she would read what she thought to be my journal. Who knows what else she has done. It's actually getting close to what I think is the anniversary of my struggle with food. I can't believe it has been two years of this. On the day of I'll tell you what was probably the event that started it. I was only really thin for about two months of that :( I will get there again!

Food:

• Cereal Bar (120)
• String Cheese (80)
• 2 Slices of Ham (34)
• 1/2 Cup Pasta (130)
• Pork (42)
• Broccoli (15)
• 20 Jelly Beans (82)

Total = 503 calories                                             Limit = 300

Exercise = -259

Net Calories = 245

Not so bad I guess. Today could have been better but I managed not to binge so I'm definitely pleased with that :) I'll try to fast tomorrow but I can't predict if dinner will be optional or not...... My mom wont be home on Thursday or Friday so maybe I can beat my record fasting time of 43 hours? I really want to achieve a 72 hour fast!  <3

Everyday Is The Same.

Why don't I have stronger will power? When I don't eat, I want food SO bad and then once I eat I regret it!! It's a vicious cycle and it hasn't gotten me anywhere near skinny. I remember when I was at my lowest weigh two years ago and I never really binged. Since then I have spiraled out of control and I need to get back there. I'm switching school for next year and I want to start over thin and confidant. I don't know whether to use negative or positive motivation.........I just need to be thin. Everything these days reminds me how I am failing at achieving this one. Simple. Goal. Lately my mom has even gotten thinner than me and it freaks me out how out of control this all is.

I think I'll leave it at that and hopefully I'll have something better to post tomorrow. After school is always my weakest point in the day and today it pretty much ruined me :( Good night <3 Thanks for all of your support!!

Sunday Night Madness

Hey everyone! This is going to a short post because it's Sunday and that involves getting prepared for the week :) My to-do list is pretty long at the moment, but because I couldn't post yesterday I wanted to make sure to update you all on what I've been up to.

Yesterday was my little sister's birthday party and she had two of her friends come over for a treasure hunt and pinata. They stayed the night at my house and I was over at my neighbors for the night and this morning. Food-wise, yesterday was awesome until cupcakes, and then it went downhill fast with pizza and other carb snacks. This morning I weighed in at a horrific 21.4 lbs and I'm hoping it was just from the night before. Didn't restrict AT ALL today and I still have to do my exercises (by the way I did do them yesterday). I'm thinking of fasting tomorrow and then eating only apples on Tuesday and then fasting again on Wednesday. No ballet this week so I don't really need to keep up my strength for anything :) However, I'll have to make sure to exercise everyday. At school my dance class can no longer use the building we used to dance in, so I'm not sure were class will be held this week. I guess we shall see.....

Well, this post hasn't been all that short but I really do have to get things done so good bye for now! <3

A Clean Slate

Sometimes, when I go to bed at night, I promise myself that tomorrow I will do better. I will exercise and eat less. Sometimes I follow through, other times I don't. However, I always find it easier to start something new with a clean slate and a brand new sunrise :) For me, it is difficult to stop eating midday and starve because I have already started and it feels impossible to stop. 

Tonight I have told myself that in the morning I shall exercise and eat very little, if at all. I am going to start doing a workout in phases. Each week is a new phase and there are four weeks which get progressively harder and harder. Here is phase 1/4:

 Day 1 - 333 jumping jacks, 60 crunches, 60 squats, 6 push ups

 Day 2 - 300 jumping jacks, 50 crunches, 50 squats, 5 push ups
 Day 3 - 250 jumping jacks, 40 crunches, 40 squats, 4 push ups
 Day 4 - 233 jumping jacks, 30 crunches, 30 squats, 3 push ups
 Day 5 - 200 jumping jacks, 20 crunches, 20 squats, 2 push ups
 Day 6 - 100 jumping jacks, 10 crunches, 10 squats, 2 push ups
 Day 7 - Rest day. Take advantage of this day. Each faze gets harder. 6 push ups

I'm going to try this. Anyone who wants to join me is very welcome to do so :) Now, to get some sleep for tomorrow.

Dancing the Day Away

All I can say is: MY LEGS ARE SO SORE. But I love it XD I'm really not kidding, being this sore is part of the joy of exercise. Is that demented? Well, maybe :)

I ate half a bagel for breakfast (100), TWO freaking poptarts for lunch (400! Ack!!), and then a granola bar as a snack (90). I am currently eating a salad thing with tofu and lots of veggies......dunno how many calories it is, but it's super healthy :) Exercise wise I did modern dance for about an hour and then ballet for two hours and then went back to school and performed a dance with the rest of my modern dance class. It's been a pretty eventful day and I think I am just going to relax and watch the show Bunheads which is about ballet and dance and is overall a hilariously amazing television show.

Good night, and have a delicious evening everyone!! <3