Asian Thinspiration

~Cali

Self-Control

These days I find myself thinking of all the things I need to get done and then realizing how many there are. Stress is starting to creep upon me and that's the last thing I need. When I get overwhelmed with school or deadlines I tend to start procrastinating hardcore. Maybe before my spring vacation is over I'll get some of the stuff done that has been piling up. It's not a good feeling when you know you should get something done now or you'll regret it later, and yet you still don't do it. 

Anywho..... Today has been better than yesterday, but still not perfect. I ate only fruit and veggies for the most part, except for a bagel and a few chips. Tomorrow I'll shoot for less starchy food and try to ween myself off of it in the next few days. At this point I need to keep binges to a minimum and try to be a little bit better everyday :) As well as sticking more to my word when I say I will do something diet-wise. Blogging has brought to my attention that I am a bit flaky when it comes to following a routine and practicing self-control/willpower.

Day By Day

I've missed blogging so much!!! This weekend was crazy and filled with food. Hung out with my friend the whole time and she always likes to eat a lot of unhealthy things. It's kind of unfair because she has a super fast metabolism so she is still skinnier than me :( On Saturday I actually got stoned for the first time and it really does give one the munchies so we ate a bunch of chips and ice cream while watching a movie. I got really freaked out that my mom would smell it and ended up taking a shower and changing my clothes on top of spraying tons of perfume every where.

Today has been okay I guess...... I didn't eat anything until dinner and then it was a small portion. Afterwards I started craving junk as usual and caved and ate a banana, two small bagels and some lemon frosting. Hoping tomorrow will be better. Maybe instead of eat junk at night I could try and have some fruit as a replacement and then slowly stop eating after dinner at all. 

I'll keep trying no matter how many times I fall <3

Just A Little Bit Better

I have made some progress in the last 24 hours. I was originally going to fast but when my mom made dinner for me and insisted I eat with her I really couldn't say no. I have to be careful around her because when I first started restricting I made an ana/thinspiration journal. One morning, when she thought I had left the house, my mother went into my room and was looking through my stuff. She found what looked like a diary and opened it to find thinspo pictures and two pages of tips and tricks. The whole time I had been in my closet, and it was all I could do to stop myself from telling her she had just invaded my privacy and I knew it. She never mentioned it so neither did I, but I doubt she has forgotten.

Yeah.....so that's my little story. At the time it really pissed me off that she would read what she thought to be my journal. Who knows what else she has done. It's actually getting close to what I think is the anniversary of my struggle with food. I can't believe it has been two years of this. On the day of I'll tell you what was probably the event that started it. I was only really thin for about two months of that :( I will get there again!

Food:

• Cereal Bar (120)
• String Cheese (80)
• 2 Slices of Ham (34)
• 1/2 Cup Pasta (130)
• Pork (42)
• Broccoli (15)
• 20 Jelly Beans (82)

Total = 503 calories                                             Limit = 300

Exercise = -259

Net Calories = 245

Not so bad I guess. Today could have been better but I managed not to binge so I'm definitely pleased with that :) I'll try to fast tomorrow but I can't predict if dinner will be optional or not...... My mom wont be home on Thursday or Friday so maybe I can beat my record fasting time of 43 hours? I really want to achieve a 72 hour fast!  <3

Dreams of a Skinny Future

Today has been average. I didn't eat until the point of bursting, nor did I starve. Actually, I'd say today was a healthy day without the usual extremities that cloud a normal eating habit. For breakfast I had one apple with about a tablespoon of peanut butter. The peanut butter does have quite a few calories but it's supposed to be the healthy kind (Unlike a cheese burger/junk food calories). Then later I had toast with jam and green tea with a little sugar. At around 2 pm I ate an egg salad sandwich with my mom, and again a few hours later I had more apple with peanut butter. So maybe that isn't exactly low in the calorie department but I feel like that is how a normal person would eat. Without the obsessions of food and such. It was really rather relaxing but that little voice in my head tells me it was too much. 

Tomorrow I will start the SGD (Skinny Girl Diet for those who don't know) because it seems easier than ABC. I'm thinking once I complete the 30 day SGD I'll move on to ABC and go from there. I'll try to eat more complex foods rather than packaged foods because they always lead to a binge. If anyone's up for it I would be delighted if you would join me on the SGD :) Let me know in the comments....

Yes I wimped out today and didn't weigh myself. I'm SO sorry, but because the last few days have been a bit bumpy I was terrified of a gain. I really couldn't face it if my weight had gone up so I decided to not risk the failure eating and do better this week. I really don't know where all of this motivation goes when the thought of food gets in my head. I must have willpower. I must be strong.

Thanks a ton for the comments! It means a lot to me that people are reading this :) Now, to work on my World History presentation due tomorrow. Woop-dee-doo.

~Love From Cali <3

Persistence and Consistency

I screwed up. Again. For me weekends are my weak point. No school to distract me. No dance to burn off calories. And worst of all late nights where I eat whilst everyone else sleeps. I feel fat. If I keep this up then I'm definitely on the fast track to a much higher weight. Basically what I did today was paint, watch TV shows and make endless trips to the kitchen cupboards. I feel like I have let you guys down and I am so ashamed to post today. But there is always tomorrow and anything is possible.

I didn't weigh today......I'll do that in the morning. I'm going to cry if I have gained. I think I'll go on a fruit fast starting tomorrow. Oh, and about the ABC diet...... I still would really like to do it so maybe I'll just keep doing it and forget about these past two days.

I think the reason I have been comfort/binge eating recently could have to do with some of the drama going on in my life. Like how I had a boyfriend a month ago but then his cat died and he ignored me so I got mad and stopped answering his calls and now we are currently not speaking. It's really petty, I can see that, but I am just so over him and his immature ways. We are pretty much polar opposites and I've found that we have very little, if anything, in common. So, rant over.

The visions of a thigh gap and a flat stomach keep taunting me as I realize the mistake I have made. I don't need food to be happy. I don't need food to feel comfort. I don't need food except right before ballet and occasionally throughout the week. What I'm trying to say is that I shouldn't have to depend of food. Eat to live, don't live to eat. I will do better tomorrow. For your sake, for the sake of this blog and for a thinner future, where you actually will be able to call me skinny :)

~Good luck and Goodnight <3

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Temptations Taken Too Far

  Okay, today has not gone as well as possible. It hasn't really even gone well at all. I just looked in the mirror and it looks like there is a football in my stomach. AWESOME. Not. So lets recap....

The day started off iffy with half a banana and a few handfuls of nuts. I was not supposed to go over 400 calories today so everything must be small. Then at school they were selling lollipops which happens to be my favorite candy so I caved and bought three because for some reason I thought 150 calories was not so bad. I should have saved that for healthy food and not sugary candies. Then came home and had a jumble of things including 3 slices of buttermilk bread (300) which by the way is soooo addicting!! As well as one third of my brother's chocolate bar (157), spaghetti with three meatballs, chips and salsa, part of an orange, and milk with chocolate powder. That list seems SO much longer when I write it out! The upside to this binge is that it will get my metabolism up again so I'm not in starvation mode. That will be helpful for my 100 calorie limit tomorrow :) 

  I want to be skinny. If models can do it so can I. If fat people can lose weight so can I. I WILL be skinny. I WILL be thin! Posting some runway/model thinspo today because they must work really hard to be beautiful. Lets try and be as fierce as these models <3

Chasing Perfection with Negative Calorie Foods

  Do you know the feeling that you'll never lose weight? When those ten pounds seem more like one hundred? When all you want to do is rip the fat from you body and become perfect? Well that's how I feel right now. But if I sit and think I will come to the conclusion that perfection is not that easy. Perfection takes hard work and everything you've got. Fat doesn't drip off of you in seconds or even days, not in this world. If perfection was that easy it wouldn't be worth so much. We always want what we can't have. That is why we will hurt ourselves and destroy ourselves to be perfect. If you achieved perfection would you be happy there? Based on our history we would search for something better, more beautiful and more tantalizing. But for now we will strive for perfection. The impossible. 

"Perfection is not attainable, but if we chase perfection we can catch excellence."

~Vince Lombardi

  Anyhow...... What I ate today: For breakfast I had one slice of buttermilk bread (100), I had half a banana (about 48) right before my two hour ballet class because DAMN is it brutal! Then came home and had more leftover spaghetti and three meatballs (360) at my mom's urging. I was supposed to stay bellow 300 calories today but alas I am terrified that my mom will get on my back about not eating. Trust me on this, when she nags she fucking NAGS. If you know what I mean. But I did exercise more today than yesterday because Tuesdays and Thursdays I have a modern dance class right before ballet and we always do 120 crunches and then hold a plank FOREVER! It's painful. Then I did two hours of my level 2 ballet class and felt like never moving again by the time it was over :) Don't get me wrong, I adore ballet but it takes all my energy to keep my technique towards the end of class.

  I am super proud of myself for posting everyday so far! I know I've said this before but it really does help me from binging and it keeps me super accountable. I've noticed with a lot of bloggers that whenever they have been absent a while their next post usually says something about how they were binging when away. I totally get this because on days (like this) when I have gone over my set calories I don't really want to tell you guys and let you down. Thanks to anyone who reads this! You are helping even if you don't realize it :) 

  Weight-wise I think I have definitely (hopefully!) lost some weight. Psyched for Saturday when I'll be weighing myself. Wish me luck!! 

  And now for those negative calorie foods! Most of you probably know about these but for those of you who are not sure what I talking about, let me elaborate. Negative calorie foods claim to use up more energy digesting than they contain. They are not entirely "negative" per say, but they are already low in calories and with the body digesting them they contribute even less calories. They fill your stomach with less calories per volume so they will help you lose weight. Hope this makes some sort of sense..... I found a list of "negative" calorie foods so here they are people :) Much luck to you all!!

Fruits

apple 

cranberries 

grapefruit 

lemon 

mango 

orange 

pineapple 

raspberries 

strawberries 

tangerine  

Vegetables

asparagus

beet

broccoli

cabbage (green)

carrot

cauliflower

celery

Chile peppers (hot)

cucumber

dandelion

endive

garden cress

garlic

green beans

lettuce

onion

papaya

radishes

spinach

turnip

And now some motivation!! <3

ABC Day Two Randomness

  Success! Even if it has only been two days so far I am determined to complete this diet! Yesterday was a little tricky but I think I managed. Today I had ballet to burn off a bunch of calories. Speaking of which, we are  rehearsing for our spring show in May. We are going to dance Coppelia........If you don't have a clue what I'm talking about, well neither did I one year ago when I first started ballet :P 

  

  So, let me tell you what I ate today. For breakfast I had one fried egg (90) on buttermilk bread (100). Pretty reasonable right? I thought so...... anywho. Didn't eat lunch (I never do XD) and for dinner I had about a cup of leftover spaghetti. I say "about" because I'm just to lazy to measure everything I eat. Heh. So that was going to be it...... but then I realized there was more cheesecake left and couldn't resist. Ahg! That stuff will be the death of me I swear!! It's just so damn amazing. So I think that goes a little over 500 calories but ballet can help with that. I also try to chew gum a lot because I eat for comfort so having something in my mouth distracts me. 

  I can't wait to weigh myself this weekend! I'm really excited and UBER nervous. I will be so crushed if I haven't lost anything. Gotta work harder!! Also I have this project due for my World History class on Friday. I think I'll devote tomorrow afternoon to finishing that last minute. I hate procrastinating but I sure am good at it. 

  Lately I have been reading Judith Marie's blog nonstop. When I find a good blog that is still active I like to read it from the very beginning so I have a lot of reading left. I have also gotten super addicted to the show Desperate Housewives which is a TV soap and I usually don't watch those but this one has caught me. So. Just a bit of random information about me :) Best of luck to anyone and everyone!

~Stay Strong People!!~