Dear Ana

Dear Ana,

Why won't your whispers leave me alone.

They trickle through the cracks in my thoughts to posses me when I am weak,

And yet I am stuck in the middle.

I cannot escape you but you don't have all the control anymore.

My mouth has the control.

It wants to devour everything and often I let it.

Ana. You were supposed to stop this. 

I wanted skinny and I got it, but only for a fleeting, dreamlike moment.

I dream about that time now and try to remember how I did it.

You promised me perfection but you forgot to tell me perfection is impossible.

I want perfection.

Midnight Report

Long time no blog. Maybe this urge will go away on a few months. Maybe even a few weeks. All I know is as of this moment I want to try and be skinny. I haven't gained so I'm still around 123 lbs and I want to be 110. Every so often this feeling comes back, no matter how hard I try to ignore it. Honestly, I've been really happy lately and I have no desire to go back to being antisocial and depressed............but sometimes I just want to be pretty. One moment I truly believe the complements of others, but quietly in the back of my mind, Ana is always whispering. And sometimes that whispering gets a little louder. After that it doesn't take much.

Tips and tricks are welcome, as well as any recommended diets. We'll see if my mom will let me go on a vegetable juice cleanse in the name of healthier eating ^_~ Wish me luck!!
P.S. It's midnight. Hence, the title.

~Cali

Asian Thinspiration

~Cali

A New Start

Hi! I've been stuck in a rut lately because all my friends eat like crap and I've been staying at their houses a lot. I can feel (and see) my body hating the junk I've been stuffing it with :/ Lukily, my metabolism isn't too bad so I'm still at 123 pounds. Don't get me wrong, that is not a number I like to see, but its so much better than 130 or even 125. I haven't been able to sleep until 3 am for about a week now, mostly due to lack of exercise (no ballet for the last two weeks). Classes start again tomorrow and I'm hoping they'll help my sleep schedule :) 

I really want to start eating better. Less sugar, bread, salt, processed food..... etc. Maybe I'll let myself have one sweet treat per week but not much more than that. 

Starving doesn't work as well as it used to for me. I only end up binging and, ultimately, getting nowhere. 

Hard work pays off. Trust me <3

Just A Quick Hello

Hi! I just got back from watching the fireworks to celebrate Independence Day with my friends and family. I wanted to write this for anyone who reads my blog. I'm not sure how long I will continue this, but I wont vanish again. For now I'll keep post at least every-other day. I guess you could say I hate myself less these days. Then again, summer usually has less stress for me and maybe it will return with the school year. Taking it one day at a time.

Hope everyone is doing well :) Have a lovely week where ever you are <3

~Cali

What to Say......

Hello everyone! I really don't know what to say after such a long absence. I'm sorry I stopped posting so suddenly :( I know exactly how it feels to wonder what happened to a blogger. Are they happy? Sad? Dying? .....Dead? I used to follow a girl who blogged every month or so. At first I wasn't too worried when she didn't post for a while, but as more and more months went by I began to wonder if she was okay. Her last post hadn't been all that cheerful either. All I could do was hope she was living her life maybe someday she would let us know how she was. 

I really didn't intend to leave for so long. I could see myself posting every few days for a long, long time. So when I say this was unexpected, I really mean it. I guess you could say I've changed, but I am always changing. I'm trying not to think too much about calories and fat percentages. For a while I just ate whatever and didn't even try to restrict. Dieting doesn't work for me, that much I know. I get way too obsessed with food when I diet and that just ends up causing me to eat more.

I believe I am currently still at 123 pounds. I am trying not to eat so much junk food and sugar. I exercise most days (sometimes it's just cleaning the house for my mom XD). I'm letting my schedule be more fluid, while at the same time making sure I fit in the necessary things. It seems to be working so far :P I love summer.

Just know, if I don't post, I am okay. I do want to continue this blog because there are so many supportive people here and sometimes I need to say things I can't say to anyone else. Hopefully I'll post tomorrow. I want to :) 

~Cali

Three Weeks and I'm Free!

Only three weeks left. Just. Three. Weeks. Then, no more school. For two months I don't have to sit in a classroom all day :) That makes me happy. Summer is my favorite time of the year because life feels happier, lighter, free-er, better. That's how it should be. But then again maybe it wouldn't be so amazing if I didn't spend the rest of the year wishing for it. It's like candy. If you eat it all the time it's no longer a treat. I'll just have to enjoy it while it lasts :)

I don't know what I weigh right now. Nor do I want to know. It's probably bad. When I see the number I might swear to never eat again. two hours later I'll break my promise. That's how it goes most of the time. Sometimes I am strong. I don't eat, and nothing can break me....................until something does. Then I let myself down. 

Got my period yesterday. Fuck that. I'm so frickin bloated and gross today. As usual I got a fat pimple in the middle of my face. Yay for hormones. I haven't restricted since Thursday. I have three hours of ballet rehearsal tomorrow. I think I need to go to bed early tonight.

Just so you all know, I have no intention to stop blogging. I realize my posts are less frequent these days, but I'm not going to dwindle out on you guys :) This blog is just getting started, and the people who are currently following me are amazing. Thanks Loves!!

~Cali